i splurged...

God has been teaching me a lot about my worth throughout the past couple weeks and a while ago i came across a necklace that i fell in love with. the amazing thing about it is that it falls directly in line with the two scriptures He has given me this season.

now i normally do not splurge on jewelry or even wear necklaces for that matter, but i'm super excited to have this simple reminder of the scriptures to wear daily.

the first verse i posted a couple days ago here...

the second one i have known for a long time, but God revealed a different perspective on it the other night.

The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.

Matthew 13:44-46

i had always pictured myself in the man/merchant role having to sacrifice everything for the treasure.  but what if God is the one who gave everything to save me... and i am that fine pearl.

go check out my new necklace here and browse her other beautiful creations!

insecure.

last week i had the opportunity to listen to Graham Cooke. several statements he made struck chords deep in my heart and have challenged my perspective on many things. God has been using those words and the situations in my life to stir things up a little bit.

my sense of worth has always been a struggle for me. being unsure of that, i have tended to be insecure in most relationships since about middle school. betrayal and rejection have fueled the feelings of worthlessness and most of my pain has somehow been connected to those wounds.

last night a fresh perspective was birthed through my tears as i was crying out. instead of trying to control and regulate the external details, maybe i should deal with the junk in my heart. ugh...such a simple concept that i thought i had already learned.

with these raw wounds, it doesn't take much to cause me more pain. what i am realizing though is that people's actions (or lack of actions) that hurt me are usually caused more by how i perceive them, not necessarily the heart motives behind the action. these broken glasses skew my vision and distort everything along the same lines.

no matter how perfect and loving my friends are, if i don't realize my worth in God's eyes, i will never be able to accept their love for what it is.

insecure.

last week i had the opportunity to listen to Graham Cooke. several statements he made struck chords deep in my heart and have challenged my perspective on many things. God has been using those words and the situations in my life to stir things up a little bit.

my sense of worth has always been a struggle for me. being unsure of that, i have tended to be insecure in most relationships since about middle school. betrayal and rejection have fueled the feelings of worthlessness and most of my pain has somehow been connected to those wounds.

last night a fresh perspective was birthed through my tears as i was crying out. instead of trying to control and regulate the external details, maybe i should deal with the junk in my heart. ugh...such a simple concept that i thought i had already learned.

with these raw wounds, it doesn't take much to cause me more pain. what i am realizing though is that people's actions (or lack of actions) that hurt me are usually caused more by how i perceive them, not necessarily the heart motives behind the action. these broken glasses skew my vision and distort everything along the same lines.

no matter how perfect and loving my friends are, if i don't realize my worth in God's eyes, i will never be able to accept their love for what it is.

feeling bleh.

this time last week, my joy was immeasurable.  today i am bleh.

motivation = 0
brownie batter + ice cream = food medication

did i seriously think that sugar would fill the need for God time and a good workout?  yeah...didn't work and now i'm regretting it.

it is amazing how many times i don't think about what the backlash may be for my renewed passion.  once again i was a threat.  after countless similar experiences i still wasn't prepared for retaliation.  discouraging thoughts and frustrations have been my constant companion this week and it took me until just about an hour ago to figure out why. 

satan doesn't like my bible study.  he doesn't like my passion or confidence. 

where did i run?  food.

i'm turning around and foiling his evil plans.  time for some God time.

feeling bleh.

this time last week, my joy was immeasurable.  today i am bleh.

motivation = 0
brownie batter + ice cream = food medication

did i seriously think that sugar would fill the need for God time and a good workout?  yeah...didn't work and now i'm regretting it.

it is amazing how many times i don't think about what the backlash may be for my renewed passion.  once again i was a threat.  after countless similar experiences i still wasn't prepared for retaliation.  discouraging thoughts and frustrations have been my constant companion this week and it took me until just about an hour ago to figure out why. 

satan doesn't like my bible study.  he doesn't like my passion or confidence. 

where did i run?  food.

i'm turning around and foiling his evil plans.  time for some God time.

long lost friend.

as each day ends, a judgement is made.  i weigh my actions, attitudes and accomplishments as i lay down for the night.  more often than not i fall terribly short.  my performance-based outlook distances me from God.  ashamed of how things went and how little i interacted with Him, i keep that distance because i haven't held up my end of the relationship.

i still don't quite grasp the meaning of grace.

last night i asked for prayer regarding this ongoing struggle and i received a new perspective through truth about another friendship i have.

my best friend talia lives on the other side of the world.  this gives me a great excuse to travel, but the majority of the time i don't like it.  i miss her.  communication was much easier when we shared a bunk bed.  facebook, e-mail, phone calls and old fashioned snail-mail help, but i am not always consistent or purposeful about keeping in contact.  in fact, i don't think i have ever sent talia a letter.

the next time talia comes to visit, will i avoid her because of my communication issues? no way!  if at all possible, i will be at the airport with huge embarrassing signs to welcome her. 

why should my relationship with God be any different?

it's a relationship. not a to-do list.

long lost friend.

as each day ends, a judgement is made.  i weigh my actions, attitudes and accomplishments as i lay down for the night.  more often than not i fall terribly short.  my performance-based outlook distances me from God.  ashamed of how things went and how little i interacted with Him, i keep that distance because i haven't held up my end of the relationship.

i still don't quite grasp the meaning of grace.

last night i asked for prayer regarding this ongoing struggle and i received a new perspective through truth about another friendship i have.

my best friend talia lives on the other side of the world.  this gives me a great excuse to travel, but the majority of the time i don't like it.  i miss her.  communication was much easier when we shared a bunk bed.  facebook, e-mail, phone calls and old fashioned snail-mail help, but i am not always consistent or purposeful about keeping in contact.  in fact, i don't think i have ever sent talia a letter.

the next time talia comes to visit, will i avoid her because of my communication issues? no way!  if at all possible, i will be at the airport with huge embarrassing signs to welcome her. 

why should my relationship with God be any different?

it's a relationship. not a to-do list.

fear.

on thursday night, we had an all worship night at our college group.  it quenched a thirst that i didn't even know existed.  as i sang, i asked for hope.  in His usual fashion of being not quite what i expected,  God came through in a big way.

lately fear has overwhelmed me to the point that i try to ignore entire parts of my heart and life, specifically in regards to my future.  emotion packed questions leave me dreading my reaction to possible scenarios.

how lost would i be if this happened?
what would i do if that happened?
where would i run if my world came crashing down around me?
could i put together the pieces of my broken heart after something like this?

i am petrified that i misunderstood God or merely thought the words instead of hearing them.  i fear that the devastation to my heart would be more than i could face.  my confidence in hearing God would be shattered and i'm afraid to know where that would leave me.

through the words spoken by the worship leader and the quiet whisper of God, hope again surged through my veins.  especially during the last two years, the trust i have in God has been tried and challenged.  i have fallen more times than i've stood strong, but have learned so much in the failures.

i fear being lost, but God would do anything to find me.

i fear being hurt, but God knows my heart better than i do.

i'm afraid that there won't be enough time, but God designed time and is orchestrating every second.

fear.

on thursday night, we had an all worship night at our college group.  it quenched a thirst that i didn't even know existed.  as i sang, i asked for hope.  in His usual fashion of being not quite what i expected,  God came through in a big way.

lately fear has overwhelmed me to the point that i try to ignore entire parts of my heart and life, specifically in regards to my future.  emotion packed questions leave me dreading my reaction to possible scenarios.

how lost would i be if this happened?
what would i do if that happened?
where would i run if my world came crashing down around me?
could i put together the pieces of my broken heart after something like this?

i am petrified that i misunderstood God or merely thought the words instead of hearing them.  i fear that the devastation to my heart would be more than i could face.  my confidence in hearing God would be shattered and i'm afraid to know where that would leave me.

through the words spoken by the worship leader and the quiet whisper of God, hope again surged through my veins.  especially during the last two years, the trust i have in God has been tried and challenged.  i have fallen more times than i've stood strong, but have learned so much in the failures.

i fear being lost, but God would do anything to find me.

i fear being hurt, but God knows my heart better than i do.

i'm afraid that there won't be enough time, but God designed time and is orchestrating every second.

today's outlook.

i said i would update this today and i almost didn't.  my thoughts are buzzing around my head and i haven't had time to catch them all and tame them.  i'm not even sure what all is in there.  with that being said, i'm not going to worry about being chronological OR logical and just dive in.

someone has been pushing all of my buttons.  between God, people and satan, i'm not sure who or if it's all of the above.  i was feeling content with where i was.  it has been eye-opening to realize how easily my wounds can be re-opened and i feel like the healing process has to start all over again.  the insecurities i have in my body, my yellow teeth, my goofy sense of humor, and the way i act in new situations have seemed like screaming discouragements in my ears.  i feel like i am not cool enough, pretty enough or outgoing enough to be who i wish i could be.  in this place of vulnerability, i'm trying to allow God to be my source instead of playing the comparison game.

my schedule needs to change.  i feel like i will fly off of a waterfall if i continue in this river of insanity.  at this moment in my life i am just stretched too thin.  i recently opened up to someone about this and was reminded that my schedule is nothing compared to theirs.  it was painful to hear.  i know my limitations and felt that those comments highlighted the fact that i am weak.  the fear of losing relationships has kept me from implementing some changes, but i feel like God is challenging me to let go of that.  no clue how it will look at this point.

so many people in my life, so little time.  it drives me nuts to lose contact with people or realize how little i know about what is going on in their lives.  old friends, new friends and family alike.  i feel like i'm failing them.

my room is still a mess.  it hasn't been totally clean since before i moved.  this definitely adds another level to my frustration.  it just isn't as peaceful unless it is clean.

i have hit this wall and have felt the need for change in so many areas in my life.  being a good over-achieving perfectionist i want it all to happen at once.  can you see where this is going?  i have been struggling with even the simple tasks because the weight is so immense. 

on the other hand, the sun is out and my convertible has allowed me to enjoy it even more.  i am blessed with the overwhelming amount of people i love.  magnolia trees are blooming everywhere and i even saw a bunch of baby ones as i was driving by a nursery today.  i cried happy tears today while watching the Biggest Loser as i watched people in the process of changing their lives.  i have so much to be thankful for.

that isn't everything, but those were the biggest bugs i could catch.  it is now a little quieter in my brain.  i promise it won't be too long before i post again.  now i'm off to put the top down and cruise over to catch up on American Idol with people i love.

today's outlook.

i said i would update this today and i almost didn't.  my thoughts are buzzing around my head and i haven't had time to catch them all and tame them.  i'm not even sure what all is in there.  with that being said, i'm not going to worry about being chronological OR logical and just dive in.

someone has been pushing all of my buttons.  between God, people and satan, i'm not sure who or if it's all of the above.  i was feeling content with where i was.  it has been eye-opening to realize how easily my wounds can be re-opened and i feel like the healing process has to start all over again.  the insecurities i have in my body, my yellow teeth, my goofy sense of humor, and the way i act in new situations have seemed like screaming discouragements in my ears.  i feel like i am not cool enough, pretty enough or outgoing enough to be who i wish i could be.  in this place of vulnerability, i'm trying to allow God to be my source instead of playing the comparison game.

my schedule needs to change.  i feel like i will fly off of a waterfall if i continue in this river of insanity.  at this moment in my life i am just stretched too thin.  i recently opened up to someone about this and was reminded that my schedule is nothing compared to theirs.  it was painful to hear.  i know my limitations and felt that those comments highlighted the fact that i am weak.  the fear of losing relationships has kept me from implementing some changes, but i feel like God is challenging me to let go of that.  no clue how it will look at this point.

so many people in my life, so little time.  it drives me nuts to lose contact with people or realize how little i know about what is going on in their lives.  old friends, new friends and family alike.  i feel like i'm failing them.

my room is still a mess.  it hasn't been totally clean since before i moved.  this definitely adds another level to my frustration.  it just isn't as peaceful unless it is clean.

i have hit this wall and have felt the need for change in so many areas in my life.  being a good over-achieving perfectionist i want it all to happen at once.  can you see where this is going?  i have been struggling with even the simple tasks because the weight is so immense. 

on the other hand, the sun is out and my convertible has allowed me to enjoy it even more.  i am blessed with the overwhelming amount of people i love.  magnolia trees are blooming everywhere and i even saw a bunch of baby ones as i was driving by a nursery today.  i cried happy tears today while watching the Biggest Loser as i watched people in the process of changing their lives.  i have so much to be thankful for.

that isn't everything, but those were the biggest bugs i could catch.  it is now a little quieter in my brain.  i promise it won't be too long before i post again.  now i'm off to put the top down and cruise over to catch up on American Idol with people i love.

where have i been?

i haven't blogged much lately.  the inspiration, ideas and words just weren't flowing.  the passion behind the typing is returning though.

recently i noticed a correlation between my passions and how much i'm pursuing God.  the things i tend to live for when i'm seeking Him are usually more productive, edifying and encouraging.  i have been coping a LOT recently with things that are slowly tearing me down.  food, tv and falling into old sinful patterns have left me uncomfortable in my own skin.

i am desperate for {positive} change.

my hair is now about six inches shorter.  it tends to grow until i randomly feel the need for something different.  this time i don't think it was so random.  if i'm absolutely truthful i have been wondering about the underlying reasons behind my desire for this change.

my insecurities about how i look tend to fuel my desire for compliments.  i relish the times people notice the change when i often feel invisible and unimportant.  with the focus on the external, they might not see that i'm struggling internally.

i know what i should be doing.

i want the change but i don't want to change.  i want the benefits without the effort.

my church just started a new small group focus called Uprising by Erwin McManus, and i'm amazed again by God's timing.  these quotes have been so instrumental to me lately.

"there is more life in me than death around me."

"we were created with a passion to live.  when a person loses his will to live, he has essentially begun the first stage of dying.  this is why some people live until their final breaths and others die long before their bodies are laid to rest."

i want to live.

where have i been?

i haven't blogged much lately.  the inspiration, ideas and words just weren't flowing.  the passion behind the typing is returning though.

recently i noticed a correlation between my passions and how much i'm pursuing God.  the things i tend to live for when i'm seeking Him are usually more productive, edifying and encouraging.  i have been coping a LOT recently with things that are slowly tearing me down.  food, tv and falling into old sinful patterns have left me uncomfortable in my own skin.

i am desperate for {positive} change.

my hair is now about six inches shorter.  it tends to grow until i randomly feel the need for something different.  this time i don't think it was so random.  if i'm absolutely truthful i have been wondering about the underlying reasons behind my desire for this change.

my insecurities about how i look tend to fuel my desire for compliments.  i relish the times people notice the change when i often feel invisible and unimportant.  with the focus on the external, they might not see that i'm struggling internally.

i know what i should be doing.

i want the change but i don't want to change.  i want the benefits without the effort.

my church just started a new small group focus called Uprising by Erwin McManus, and i'm amazed again by God's timing.  these quotes have been so instrumental to me lately.

"there is more life in me than death around me."

"we were created with a passion to live.  when a person loses his will to live, he has essentially begun the first stage of dying.  this is why some people live until their final breaths and others die long before their bodies are laid to rest."

i want to live.

fabulous february.

january was a jerk.  i wasn't too fond of the beginning of 2010.

february has been a freakin' fabulous change of pace.  not a lot has changed other than my perspective.  i have stopped fighting God about imminent changes and allowed my focus to shift from the frustrations to the blessings.

even through the process of being frustrated with my finances i knew that God had ALWAYS provided.  it amazes me how ridiculously worrisome i can be even with that knowledge.  this time is no exception, but there is always an element of surprise or change with the provision.

i will be moving at the end of this month.  it will be heart-wrenching to leave my home and the people who have become family to me.  thankfully they will only be fifteen minutes away.  i have been blessed to have a brother, sister-in-law, two nephews and a neice who are willing (and excited) to offer me a room.  the move will be bittersweet as i'm grieving and celebrating the change simultaneously.

i have not given God very much credit for this blessing.  when things tend to fall into place and peace comes, i often attribute it to things like coincidences and people's efforts.  this was brought to my attention tonight gently by another blessing.

tears immediately filled my eyes as cash fell out of an unexpected card filled with beautiful words.  not given out of abundance or obligation, the value sky-rocketed over the actual monetary amount.  reaching the depths of my heart, jeremiah 29:11 resonated loudly as i sat in awe.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

fabulous february.

january was a jerk.  i wasn't too fond of the beginning of 2010.

february has been a freakin' fabulous change of pace.  not a lot has changed other than my perspective.  i have stopped fighting God about imminent changes and allowed my focus to shift from the frustrations to the blessings.

even through the process of being frustrated with my finances i knew that God had ALWAYS provided.  it amazes me how ridiculously worrisome i can be even with that knowledge.  this time is no exception, but there is always an element of surprise or change with the provision.

i will be moving at the end of this month.  it will be heart-wrenching to leave my home and the people who have become family to me.  thankfully they will only be fifteen minutes away.  i have been blessed to have a brother, sister-in-law, two nephews and a neice who are willing (and excited) to offer me a room.  the move will be bittersweet as i'm grieving and celebrating the change simultaneously.

i have not given God very much credit for this blessing.  when things tend to fall into place and peace comes, i often attribute it to things like coincidences and people's efforts.  this was brought to my attention tonight gently by another blessing.

tears immediately filled my eyes as cash fell out of an unexpected card filled with beautiful words.  not given out of abundance or obligation, the value sky-rocketed over the actual monetary amount.  reaching the depths of my heart, jeremiah 29:11 resonated loudly as i sat in awe.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

it's all in your perspective.

 

the waves in life have been violent and volatile lately. 

i should jump in and enjoy the adventure of it all.

(i wanted to be out there surfing SO bad...)

the things right in front of me overwhelm me merely by how big i perceive them to be.

desperate for instant results, i think things are complete or whole.  closer inspection reveals the truth and i realize i didn't see what i thought i did and i'm sorely disappointed.

since three pints of Ben & Jerry's over the last two weeks have not alleviated any stress, i decided to escape last saturday.  the urge to run from life had consumed me so i settled for a day trip to cannon beach.  in the process of shutting everyone out, my tunnel vision had focused only on the frustrations.

for the first time, i'm realizing some blatant places of unbelief in my relationship with God.  my mouth has professed my faith in His goodness and sovereignty but my actions and heart declare self-sufficiency and distrust.  i'm easily devastated when changes need to happen which are not in my plan.  circumstances that move me opposite of where i want to go disrail my trust in God's wisdom.

my heart is raw and emotions come swiftly and harshly.  i need to let go, but i feel everything i hope for, dream about and already possess will be ripped away.  this tug-of-war is tearing me apart.

 

 while warming up with hot chocolate, i had a little chat with God.  it was quite a step after a week of giving Him the cold shoulder because i was mad.  perspective became the reoccuring theme as i thought about the pictures i took that morning and the way i felt life had been going.  God reassured me that He is bigger than any relationship, financial problems or stress i could ever have.

changes are coming.  tough decisions have been made.  i am blessed by God's provision.

when will i start learning things the easy way?  another reoccuring theme...

it's all in your perspective.

 

the waves in life have been violent and volatile lately. 

i should jump in and enjoy the adventure of it all.

(i wanted to be out there surfing SO bad...)

the things right in front of me overwhelm me merely by how big i perceive them to be.

desperate for instant results, i think things are complete or whole.  closer inspection reveals the truth and i realize i didn't see what i thought i did and i'm sorely disappointed.

since three pints of Ben & Jerry's over the last two weeks have not alleviated any stress, i decided to escape last saturday.  the urge to run from life had consumed me so i settled for a day trip to cannon beach.  in the process of shutting everyone out, my tunnel vision had focused only on the frustrations.

for the first time, i'm realizing some blatant places of unbelief in my relationship with God.  my mouth has professed my faith in His goodness and sovereignty but my actions and heart declare self-sufficiency and distrust.  i'm easily devastated when changes need to happen which are not in my plan.  circumstances that move me opposite of where i want to go disrail my trust in God's wisdom.

my heart is raw and emotions come swiftly and harshly.  i need to let go, but i feel everything i hope for, dream about and already possess will be ripped away.  this tug-of-war is tearing me apart.

 

 while warming up with hot chocolate, i had a little chat with God.  it was quite a step after a week of giving Him the cold shoulder because i was mad.  perspective became the reoccuring theme as i thought about the pictures i took that morning and the way i felt life had been going.  God reassured me that He is bigger than any relationship, financial problems or stress i could ever have.

changes are coming.  tough decisions have been made.  i am blessed by God's provision.

when will i start learning things the easy way?  another reoccuring theme...

two years.

a year ago today i wrote this.

and i'm still waiting...for this promise.

730 days of knowing, seeking and constantly changing emotions.  times of clarity and piles of doubts.

i'm going to be honest with you.  today was rough (even after a pint of ben & jerry's).  patience is wearing thin as i tire of the waiting process.  bitterness about the whole situation is creeping in as i realized the other day that i wish i didn't have the promise at all.  frustration about the unwanted bitterness adds to the daily battle to keep trusting in God's faithfulness.

my birthday is coming in a couple weeks.  mixed emotions overwhelm me as i think about where i figured i would be at this point in my life.  i never imagined i would still be single when i turned 26.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring, but i dread it.  i don't want to fight the doubts or my emotions any longer.  desperate words begging God for a vacation from everything will be on my lips tonight as the tears quietly slide off my face onto my pillow.

please pray that these words invade the storm and bring clarity and peace.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."  The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. 

 Lamentations 3:19-26

two years.

a year ago today i wrote this.

and i'm still waiting...for this promise.

730 days of knowing, seeking and constantly changing emotions.  times of clarity and piles of doubts.

i'm going to be honest with you.  today was rough (even after a pint of ben & jerry's).  patience is wearing thin as i tire of the waiting process.  bitterness about the whole situation is creeping in as i realized the other day that i wish i didn't have the promise at all.  frustration about the unwanted bitterness adds to the daily battle to keep trusting in God's faithfulness.

my birthday is coming in a couple weeks.  mixed emotions overwhelm me as i think about where i figured i would be at this point in my life.  i never imagined i would still be single when i turned 26.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring, but i dread it.  i don't want to fight the doubts or my emotions any longer.  desperate words begging God for a vacation from everything will be on my lips tonight as the tears quietly slide off my face onto my pillow.

please pray that these words invade the storm and bring clarity and peace.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."  The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. 

 Lamentations 3:19-26

learning the hard way.

i don't like learning things the hard way, but sometimes i have to.

note to self:  after a long, relaxing hot bath do NOT stand up quickly. 

the day after Christmas i decided to unwind by taking a bath and reading a book.  at some point, i decided that i was done and as i stood up i started to feel a little woozy.  i woke up laying on the floor with my nose wound bleeding.  no clue how exactly i fell or how long i was out.  apparently the heat from the bath and the quick change of elevation can do that.  doing a faceplant on the bathroom floor can be dangerous...thankfully my nose and my knees are the only things that seemed to suffer any consequences. 

it got me thinking.  how many times do i have to learn things the hard way?  i often fight against what God tells me just because it doesn't necessarily seem rational.  i worry and stress out instead of trusting that He has everything planned out for the best possible outcome.

my 2010 resolution = start learning things the easy way

{trusting that the God of the universe knows what He is doing}