writing has slowly become one of my passions, bubbling over especially in times of extreme emotion. ideas dance in my head so frequently but are rarely captured and tied down to precise words. the desire to write more often and possibly even beyond this blog has been on my heart lately. even this very post has been marinating for quite some time.
here’s the thing. getting the jumbled craziness of stuff in my head to make sense to you takes time. my love is to write in a way that truly expresses the depth and emotion and sometimes even the chaos that is going on. i want it to be perfect.
and there is that word again that has plagued me in the past.
[perfection] to be honest, i have clearly seen my procrastination when it comes to sitting down and writing. i acknowledge that it isn’t as much of a priority as i would like it to be. it took me quite some time however to connect the dots between my procrastination and perfectionism in this area. i hate that my fear of not being good enough tends to keep me from even trying most days.
many areas of my life have been tainted and crippled in this battle with my own expectations and i’m still discovering new ways that it holds me captive. however, i am extremely blessed by a God who knows me so intricately and wants to see complete freedom in my life. He spoke to me so clearly one day in Belize regarding my perfectionism and reminded me of this the other day.
seeking Him in the solitude, i found myself in my favorite place. my legs dangling off the end of the dock and my feet being kissed by the warm, turquoise caribbean water. a storm rolling in the distance caught my attention and brought joy to my heart. the deep rumble of thunder that you can almost feel reminded me of scriptures that declare that the Lord’s voice is like thunder. moments later my stomach rumbled back and released a little excess gas that had been waiting for just this time. yep...i farted. God’s humor never ceases to amaze me and in that moment clarity hit me like a lightning bolt.
you see if [God’s voice = thunder] and [my best bodily attempts to create thunder-like perfection = a fart], you just can not miss the obvious...
1. i stink. at times i will look ridiculous and unfortunately will sometimes even blame it on other people. weaknesses can give glory to Him if i allow others to see/smell/hear my imperfections.
2. my best attempts at perfecting my fart are laughable. i’m human and a fart is still just a fart. try and remember that farting (just like failure) is a part of our lives.
3. it may be uncomfortable at times, but try not to hold things back that God has given you. it usually doesn’t work...not to mention it always tends to come out at the most inconvenient times. :) go with the flow and see how God uses the situation.
fear of failure and perfectionism rob us of abundant life and keep us side-lined. i want to jump back into the game and enjoy it moment by moment.
honestly, i don’t want to be perfect anymore. i want to be real and transparent when i struggle so it is obvious when God is my strength. i want to dance and look silly sometimes. i want to love fiercely the people in my life without expecting anything in return. i kinda want to be known as someone who is quite ridiculous and passionate about the life God has given to me. unashamed, unapologetic and eager to show it.
i want to write what God has put on my heart.
