where have i been?

i haven't blogged much lately.  the inspiration, ideas and words just weren't flowing.  the passion behind the typing is returning though.

recently i noticed a correlation between my passions and how much i'm pursuing God.  the things i tend to live for when i'm seeking Him are usually more productive, edifying and encouraging.  i have been coping a LOT recently with things that are slowly tearing me down.  food, tv and falling into old sinful patterns have left me uncomfortable in my own skin.

i am desperate for {positive} change.

my hair is now about six inches shorter.  it tends to grow until i randomly feel the need for something different.  this time i don't think it was so random.  if i'm absolutely truthful i have been wondering about the underlying reasons behind my desire for this change.

my insecurities about how i look tend to fuel my desire for compliments.  i relish the times people notice the change when i often feel invisible and unimportant.  with the focus on the external, they might not see that i'm struggling internally.

i know what i should be doing.

i want the change but i don't want to change.  i want the benefits without the effort.

my church just started a new small group focus called Uprising by Erwin McManus, and i'm amazed again by God's timing.  these quotes have been so instrumental to me lately.

"there is more life in me than death around me."

"we were created with a passion to live.  when a person loses his will to live, he has essentially begun the first stage of dying.  this is why some people live until their final breaths and others die long before their bodies are laid to rest."

i want to live.