south africa!

hey!  long time, no blog... keeping busy here in africa and loving it!  God has been doing amazing things in my heart and through my team. 

check out our team updates @ Spreading Light!

paradise.

with the exception of the mosquitoes...i would have to say that my new home is definitely paradise.  i'm constantly amazed at the beauty God created in my surroundings here both in nature and the people around me.  our team has meshed so well this month that reunions and get-togethers are already being planned as we dread the day that we part ways.

it has been cooler yesterday and today than it has been.  pants and hoodies are being worn as we drop to probably the mid 70s.  :o)  shoes are rarely worn and my feet are only covered in mosquito bites and sand except on fridays when we head into town.  if water is spilled on the floor, we leave it to evaporate.  pop is sold in glass bottles.  most things are a little expensive here on the island.  $1 US = $2 Belizian.  i have learned to love the smell of bug spray that i paid $11 US for...  oreos sound amazing but i have resisted buying them at $7ish dollars a box.

time here has flown by.  book reports, journaling, listening to speakers, work duties and enjoying the rest of the team takes up the majority of the time.  before leaving for belize, i prayed that we would be a group filled with laughter and that prayer has been answered BIG time.  :o)  though we have had some amazing times of depth, confession and prayer together...it seems like those times even ooze joy that is contagious.  not a day goes by without my heart feeling like it will explode with love for my YWAM family here.

i am 1/3rd of the way done with my lecture phase of my DTS.  i know it will only get better from here.  the end of november i am heading to SOUTH AFRICA with two leaders i have yet to meet (exciting!!), five amazing guys and six beautiful girls.  no details about what that may entail, but i am excited!

love and miss my family and friends at home...keep me posted on how life is going for you!

reality has not sunk in...

exhausted from traveling, combating emotions and just an overall lack of sleep. it still really hasn't hit me that this island is home. the air is thick with humidity but i found myself acclimating pretty quickly and even got a little cold tonight sitting at the end of a dock enjoying my company. i really can see how God is knitting us together and preparing our hearts for amazing things. we are heading to the YWAM base tomorrow. i am beyond excited to meet all the others and settle in to my new home!

and i'm off!

i'm currently sitting in the airport getting ready to board my plane. my blueberry muffin eating skills are lacking apparently...definitely have crumbs all over my lap. :o) the reality of this situation is hitting me in waves and i have yet to cry this morning. it is inevitable though. three hours of sleep + saying goodbye to my amazing family and friends is hard. i am so blessed. i am so ready for this adventure God has called me to but it's hard to say goodbye. can't believe this day has come. my stomach has butterflies and i am beyond excited to bury my feet in the warm caribbean sand. people who are strangers now will become like family soon. God has great plans that are yet to unfold. goodbye oregon!

a new hair style...

i saw this on a different blog and thought i would give it a try.  :o)  truthfully i don't know if i'll let you know how it goes... i'm sure if i like it you may see pictures of it at some point.  after tonight, there is ONE DAY UNTIL I LEAVE.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

nine days...

I am amazed. God's direction and provision especially this past month has been incredible. Sending in my first big payment to YWAM was a leap of faith, clearing out my bank account and leaving me to rely on His peace. Two days later, a little over $1500 came in through donations and garage sale profit. The following Saturday, I received a letter informing me that my $1100 hospital bill from March was covered 100% by financial aid! My heart is being transformed through this process as I'm being shown daily that God's hand is directing my life. Nine more days until I hop on an airplane and venture out beyond anything I have ever known. Though this trip has been on my radar for quite a while, the reality has yet to sink in. My emotions vary greatly minute by minute, fluctuating between excitement, nervousness, anticipation and grieving the time I'll miss with friends and family here. My to-do list seems daunting and I'm trying to squeeze in time with everyone that I love. It is definitely crunch time.

It has been a spectacular thing to see how the family of God can make up such a strong united force. Financial support has been so tangible to see, but the prayers and words of encouragement have made such an amazing impact as well. It really serves as a reminder to step out and speak and act on what God has called me to do, even if I feel it is small or insignificant.

As of today, I am still needing some financial support for the training portion of my trip. As I have seen God working recently, I am going into this week with little worry in regards to the provision (which is a miracle in itself...I tend to worry WAY too much.). I am still needing about $800 of the $2625 payment. After this payment I will begin collecting money for the outreach segment of the trip. It has been a challenge for me to ask for help, but so cool to see God orchestrating the details instead of earning it under my own strength. Contact me by commenting or e-mail if you would like to help!

To see where I will be, check out www.ywamdp.org !

ten thousand reasons

i am so blessed.  incredibly thankful.

loving singing this song at the top of my lungs...

kobe.

today i had a chance to breathe.  reflect on the ups, downs, challenges and triumphs these last few weeks have contained.  i hadn’t expected to say good-bye to anyone yet, but a forever good-bye blindsided me.

this week i went hiking with a good friend, but without my favorite hiking buddy.  tears stung my eyes as memories penetrated my heart.

though he was not mine, my heart claimed him as such.  he would joyfully welcome me the moment i would walk in the door.

i hope to never forget the moments we would run around the house like crazy or quietly enjoy the view at the top of Angel’s Rest.

time would slip away and we didn’t hang out as much after i moved out of his family’s home.  when reunited, my heart would always burst at his excitement to see me.  a few times he even crawled into my lap and almost knocked me over.

was this a glimpse of what unconditional love feels like?

“A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb.  Give him your heart and he'll give you his.  How many people can you say that about?  How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special?  How many people can make you feel extraordinary?”  -- Marley & Me

i miss you Kobe.

YWAM Letter!

Please send me your address if you would like to receive an informative support letter about my trip with YWAM.  I finally got it done...now to enjoy this beautiful sunshine.  :o)

friends and family.

the impending goodbyes (72 more days...) have given clarity to otherwise normal activities.  countless times over the past months emotions hit like a Mack truck as soon as the night is ending.  bible study with my small group, spending the day with family, and a barbecue with friends have all brought me to tears.

i'm going to miss this.

it's ridiculous to me that we wait until major life changes occur to realize the blessings that are right in front of us.  don't wait.

the quest...

if you have known me for very long you most likely have noticed my constant companion...my water bottle.   99.9% of the time i never leave home without it.  most people almost immediately notice when i get a new one, which definitely makes me smile.  sometimes it is a hassle to carry but it's a small price to pay when you can quench your thirst anytime you like.

my water bottles have looked different over the years.  the earliest i remember consistently carrying one was back in 2003.

the nalgene.

over time i had three...green, pink and purple.  i HAD to have a little splash guard on the inside or i would get a little shower especially while walking or driving.  easy to clean but a beast to carry (i had the 32oz bottle).  could have doubled as a weapon for self defense if needed though.  indestructible.  i used to lay it down on it's side and stand on it for fun to challenge my balance.  one of my friends threw one off a second story to test the strength...the fall broke part of the lid but it still didn't leak.

next came the camelbak.

these seem to be the perfect size (25 oz).  love the camelbak especially when i'm working out or in the car.  kind of like a sippy cup for adults.  :o)  i don't like taking these to the beach or camping though because the mouth piece can get really gross so easily.

those two styles had me quite content until last year.  the search has only intensified with my upcoming trip...the quest for the perfect water bottle.  {i'm okay with sounding ridiculous.  just think of my water bottle being similar to your search for the perfect purse or coolest phone.  :o) }

the last two styles i have tried have been mediocre.  i can not see them being quite as resilient or listed as my favorites at any point.

here is the thermos roho style.

not too shabby but not amazing.  the lid on my favorite one is starting to give me some issues.

my latest buy: the vapur.

pretty stinkin' sweet idea.  totally collapsible (other than the lid) plastic bottle.   i loved taking this on a short hike and being able to roll it up and put it in my pocket after i drank all the water.  it only holds 16ish oz and probably would be super awkward to drink out of if it was any bigger.  after about a week or so of using it, the plastic stuff around the clip started to peel.  not sure how much longer it will last...

i don't want to settle for second best.  i'm on the hunt for the one that gets to travel the world with me.  :o)  any suggestions?

unresolved issues...

i try to ignore the little things.  hastily spoken words that shouldn't have wounded me, misread situations, and even physical pain.  i don't want to appear weak.  i can handle it...until i can't.

with my trip to Belize coming soon (84 more days!), i figured i should probably have my foot checked by a doctor.  i've been having some pain on the ball of my foot off and on for over a year.  yeah...just checked my running log and it started bugging me last may.  though it has been a nuisance, i really wouldn't have had it checked out if it wasn't for the trip.  after all, i can deal with it...

well, i found out friday that i fractured a small bone in my foot (one of the sesamoid bones if you were wondering).  a pea-sized bone that i didn't even realize existed has been the source of the nagging pain.  healing would have happened a LONG time ago had i dealt with the issue in the beginning instead of impeding the process by trying to ignore the ache.

ever since my appointment with the podiatrist, i've been trying to pinpoint other little things in life that haven't received proper attention.  i have a feeling bitterness and procrastination wouldn't be able to commandeer my heart and my time quite as often if i stopped pushing things aside like they don't matter.  little issues would stay little issues.

if it takes less stress, drama, time and energy to deal with things immediately, why do we put it off?  ridiculous...

distance in worship.

when guilt and shame are weighing down my heart, engaging in worship seems so hard.  the fact that i am a sinner is so evident that i am ashamed to face anyone...especially the one who knows all of my thoughts, intentions and actions.  but the truth is that i am always in desperate need of the Savior, constantly falling short.

when worship is "easy", am i humbly coming before God with a genuine and honest view of myself?

the distance that is highlighted when i am confronted by my unworthiness reminds me of how far God is willing to go to reach me.  gratefulness infiltrates the depths of my heart and i'm brought to a deeper place of worship than ever before.

"Two people owed money to a certain moneylender.  One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.  Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both.  Now which of them will love him more?”  

Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”

“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

Luke 7:41-43

needtobreathe

a daunting to-do list is constantly running through my mind.  the weight of things on my shoulders right now has brought me to a place of consistent stress.  though i'm extremely excited about my YWAM adventure, it boggles my brain how many things i have to sort out.  whew...  good thing i have absolutely NOTHING planned for this Saturday beyond hanging out with God.  that is what is getting me through this week.

(oh, and beyond the fact that i need to slow down and take a breath...needtobreathe has been a consistent playlist lately.  i love them.)

hmmm...while sitting here trying to figure out what to write next, i got convicted.  i have been trying so hard not to worry about finances and just trust God to provide in that area but i haven't stepped into that with my to-do list.  i'm pretty sure the creator of time, orchestrator of life and multitasker extraordinaire could help me figure things out.  geez.  hopefully i'll learn my lesson soon enough.  :o)

{deep breath}

time to drop the top on my car, soak up some sunshine and enjoy strawberry waffles with people i love.

boldness.

yesterday i ventured beyond my typical church family and visited a different church.  a creature of habit and comfort, even this little change in scenery caused some insecurities to creep in.  though i long for new adventures, i tend to shrink back into myself until i have observed for a while and get my bearings.  not always a bad thing, i also can miss out on some pretty sweet stuff.

a few minutes after sitting down i notice a couple people come in that i recognize.  i had gone to school with their older brother since kindergarten and we had grown up within a block from each other.  not sure if they would remember me, i basically ignored them.

songs began and God began working on my heart.  in the past, some have mentioned my quietness coming across as snobbish and i was devastated that my actions were perceived that way.  a boldness came over me and it saddened me that even within the church walls i would be so afraid of a possible slightly awkward conversation.

after church i seized the opportunity to talk to them.  not only did they remember me but thanked me for coming over and talking to them.  i felt like my heart was smiling.

connections.  fellowship.  love.  isn't that what life is about?

next time don't hesitate.  you may not know what your silence may be saying.

officially ours.

after two and a half long years, my niece is legally part of our family.  the signature of a judge friday afternoon squelched my underlying fears of someday letting her go.  the enormity of the situation had no effect on her but we all hugged her a little tighter and celebrated with overwhelmed hearts.

a miracle girl...i am so proud of how far she has come.  her zest for life and exuberant joy have taught me so much.  

blessed beyond words.

turning melancholy to joy

moments of desperate loneliness invade the depths of my soul.  surrounded securely within a supportive community of friends and family i yearn for something deeper.  clueless to why i feel alone, i allow whispered lies to invade and tear away at my heart.

no one cares enough to break past my walls of brokenness.

just as the sunrise brings forth a day ripe with potential, a new thought dawns.  perhaps the emptiness i feel is a reminder sent directly from my Creator.  a blessing in disguise, i see joy bubbling up from a melancholy place...He is speaking my name desiring time with me.

this feeling was not intended to reveal people’s shortcomings but to remind me that God delights in me.  it's time to defiantly refute the lies and stand for the truth that there is One who wants to create beauty from the ashes.

walking down a different street...

i recently went to an event called Loveology hosted by Solid Rock Church in portland.  a two night extravaganza filled with a mass amount of college-aged people to hear biblical perspectives on being Godly men and women, dating, relationships and sex.  the level of openness and how often they referenced scriptures was refreshing.  it's amazing how tainted and twisted the world has portrayed these things.  if you missed it, click here and search for "Loveology 2011".  it really has changed my heart in some areas and i highly recommend it.

one story they shared has been on my mind quite a bit lately...

There's A Hole In My Sidewalk:
In Five Easy Chapters

CHAPTER ONE
I walk down a street and there's a big hole.  I don't see it and fall into it.  It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out.  It's not my fault!
CHAPTER TWO
I walk down the same street.  There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in.   It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out.  It's still not my fault.
CHAPTER THREE
I walk down a street.  There's a big hole.  I can see it, but I still fall in.  It's become a habit.  But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately.  It is my fault.
CHAPTER FOUR
I walk down a street.  There's a big hole.  And I walk around it.
CHAPTER FIVE
I walk down a different street.

-- Portia Nelson

the second night of the series included a time of prayer and it was incredibly healing for me.  i'm so glad to say i'm walking down a different street.

change is good.

sometimes going back to a comfortable place in life is part of moving forward.

a little less than a year ago, i felt God pulling me towards a different church.  though i was thoroughly blessed by the new church's community, i recently felt released to go back to East Hill.  jumping back into my small group, snuggling the babies in the nursery and just overall joining them to worship God has been such a blessing.  i guess it could be compared to going on vacation and coming home... both are amazing but home is just home.

speaking of home, it changed too.  i just moved back into the condo that i lived in years ago.  not only is it nice to have my own space again, but that place is so packed full of wonderful memories that i can't stop thinking about my old roomies.  my nesting skills and daydreaming are in full effect.  love it.

but i won't be here long...I'M GOING TO BELIZE!  officially accepted into the YWAM program, i'm now jumping into support raising and preparing my heart for this adventure.  God is already stretching me and challenging me to trust Him in deeper ways.  this is gonna take a miracle...and there is no doubt about it.  this human impossibility creates an awesome stage to see God's provision.  leave a comment with your e-mail address if you want to receive updates about the whole process.

that has been my life lately.  stay tuned, friday is an incredibly important day.  seriously.  i'll fill you in later...

are you complaining?

i complained today about the most trivial things and then came home and read this...

I wonder... @ Building the Blocks

seriously humbled.

seclusion.

i find myself alone again.  needing quiet time but wasting the minutes with meaningless fluff.  half-heartedly engaging in the present and feeling too tired or overwhelmed to fully jump into whatever is in front of me.  so i float through the day and as my head hits the pillow i realize i'm merely existing.

i see again that i'm not enough.

if insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results, i guess you could say i'm insane.  my strength will fail me.  i will mess things up.  i can't handle it all.  i'm stuck in a rut.

failing miserably, i try harder to figure it out myself instead of relying on God.  maybe this time i will see the joy and the sweet release of trusting Him.

He is enough.

His strength will never fail.

He orchestrates everything to His glorious plan.

He holds the weight of the world in His hands.

He will guide me to where i need to go.

Sophia.

my heart has been so drawn to adoption lately.  more specifically the children on reece's rainbow.  mari, my niece, is one of the many beautiful kids with down syndrome that have been listed on this site (if you click on her name, you can see a picture of the tiny bald baby that has grown SO much!).  it is an awesome ministry allowing people to donate money to defer some of the adoption costs.  another way to help is to become a prayer warrior.

meet Sophia.  she is turning three this month and is currently still in a russian orphanage.  knowing so many three year olds (including Mari and Azariah), it's hard for me to imagine the things that this little girl is missing out on.  i signed up to be a prayer warrior and she is the one i'll be praying for and supporting in anyway i can.  Sophia has no money donated towards her adoption at this point and i'm praying for both monetary provision and a loving family to step up to adopt her.  spreading the word, praying and donating are simple.  

go to reece's rainbow today and pray about how you can help!

how do you heal?

this question came up yesterday in a conversation and i was at a loss to know the answer.  to further expound my dilemma, of course it was brought up in my own life today.

after you have identified a wound or a place of hurt or insecurity, how do you receive healing in that area?  how do you take steps towards that if you don't know where to step?

prayer is always good.  talking it through and processing the why behind the reaction helps me.  it just doesn't seem enough especially when that same spot tends to keep getting poked.

what do you think?

bouldering!

i may have found something to actually motivate me to work on strengthening my upper body...i can see myself getting addicted if i had the opportunity.  :o)  my best climb of the day was caught on video too!  they also caught a few pics that make me look terrified of the wall... definitely makes me laugh.

so thankful for ms. karah for sharing her passion with us and rae for compiling this awesome video!

i should be sleeping...

...instead, i feel a word vomit coming on.

i went to the gym tonight much later in the evening than i usually do.  my lack of control around sweets, getting sick and my overall contentment to lazy around the last couple of months have all joined forces to sabotage my body and lower my confidence a few notches.  my workout felt great when it was over...during, not so much.  a light bulb came on during the drive home about being real and gave me new insight.

in a sense, a lot of the things i do aren't real.  hours tick by watching meaningless tv shows, browsing endless facebook updates and reading words that have no value.  while drifting in this haze of "activity", my life is passing me by.  i'm realizing again how connected the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional parts of me are.  after an exhausting (and nauseating) workout i am flooded with the emotions that i've stuffed down and tried to ignore.  apparently getting my rear off of the couch inspires the rest of me to move forward as well.

i have slept restlessly the last two nights which is a definite rarity for me.  i feel like so many unfounded emotions or unwanted stress is weighing me down, but most i can't even identify. BUT i am beyond excited knowing that i am going on a prayer retreat soon.  just God and i.  at the beach.  if you live in the northwest, check this out...

ok...last thing before these little eyes get a rest.  here is a snippet of "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge that describes me perfectly right now.

"Every woman I've ever met feels it -- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does.  An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.  I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time.  Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough.  But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy....


We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us.  We feel unsought -- that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside.  And we feel uncertain -- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.


Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more..."

where am i running?

it is easy to run away.  although i've been slacking on my physical running, i have sure been exercising my emotional and spiritual "legs".  not much thought has gone into where i am going except for away from my problems.

this morning at church, this song blatantly revealed the direction i wasn't going.

to be honest, i don't know if i have ever run back to God.  don't get me wrong...i have had plenty of opportunities, but i tend to meander back with my tail between my legs.  ashamed and at the end of my rope, i have a hard time thinking that He is happy to see me.

the parable of the lost son in luke paints a different picture and brought tears to my eyes tonight as i re-read the familiar but forgotten words.

So he got up and went to his father.  But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.  The son said to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son."  But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.  Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let’s have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."  So they began to celebrate.

Luke 15:20-24

what if i start anticipating the celebration and not a lecture?

the NEXT button.

ok...if you are addicted to reading blogs like i am, check out this link.  google reader is already my best friend but i had no clue that the NEXT button even existed.  i love this new (to me at least) feature that lets me see each post on the blog itself in all it's glory.  happy blog hopping!

all day recess.

spring is in the air and the sun has peeked out from behind the clouds a few more times yesterday and today.  the fresh air and fun i have outside has cheered me up considerably.   i even busted out my beloved chacos.  the BEST sandals ever.

the three munchkins and i took every advantage of the spring weather and spent more time outside than inside on friday.  pretty sure we were all craving sunshine and fresh air.

we went for a bike ride/walk, played in the yard, went to a park, had a picnic lunch and then went for another walk when my brother got home from work.  pure awesomeness.  i got zero accomplished for the day but didn't feel guilty at all.

during our adventures i could't help but notice the two convertibles with their tops down and countless cars with all the windows down.  i love how excited everyone was about the measly 66 degree day.  i can't wait for summer!

it's been awhile...

...since i have posted pictures of these three sweet faces.  :o)

a never-ending vicious cycle.

here i am again.  frustrated that i'm not living up to the standards i've placed on myself.  in a nutshell, this is what happens...

i envision an ideal goal for myself (for example: read my bible everyday) and i take off with the petal to the metal.

for a time, i strive SO hard to accomplish said goal.

something (or possibly even nothing) gets in the way and my motivation fizzles out.

days pass without giving the situation much thought.

guilt sets in.  how long has it been since i _____ ?  ugh...

procrastination and perfectionism rear their ugly heads.  fear of failure (again) delays the next attempt.

and on and on it goes...

tonight i'm hanging out in the procrastination zone.  it drives me nuts to realize that i failed in the same area yet again.  to be honest i think tonight is one of the first times that i thought about EVERYONE dealing with this and that it is just part of being human (it amazes me how ridiculous that sounds.  i know people aren't perfect but sometimes i forget that other people struggle with things like i do.  does that make sense?).

i am going to fail.  no matter how hard i try, it will never be good enough.

here's the kicker:  how long do i let guilt and fear freeze my forward motion?  what good does it do me to sit and sulk about where i am when i could just keep walking?

It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on...

Philippians 3:13-14

new mercy and compassion is available to be poured out on me every time i roll out of bed.  i can't change what happened yesterday but i can choose whether or not it will hold me back from living today.

a bigger opportunity.

i can choose to worry or release.

i can choose to isolate or trust.

this can be an opportunity or an excuse.

the week is now coming to a close and as the sun is peeking through the clouds, i am curled up under a blanket reflecting on the drama within my heart.  i was hit hard physically, emotionally and financially this month and i have battle wounds as a result.

the sticky situation i posted about a couple days ago has been resolved (as far as i can tell), but as for the internal aftermath...i'm not so sure.  i would love to say that all of this just rolled off my back like water on a duck, but no matter how much i joke about it and try to minimize it, i have already noticed a new hesitance in my interactions with guys in general.

between taxes, emergency room bills and my possible YWAM adventure, my financial situation is looking pretty discouraging.  my initial response to almost everything is to worry, but i'm {trying} to take a deep breath and relax this time.  in all reality i have SO much and at this point i could sign up to make monthly payments for my bills and decide not to go on my nine month adventure.  BUT for one of the first times of my life, i'm excited to see how God provides within this crazy time.  in the past i have worried about it until the last second and then smacked my forehead in frustration that i doubted His provision again...

The Lord answered Moses, "Is the Lord's arm too short?  You will now see whether or not what I say will come true for you."

Numbers 11:23

the human impossibility is an occasion for demonstrating the Lord's power.

a sticky situation...

this week has been interesting to say the least.  over dinner monday night, i realized that my kind heart and somewhat naive personality had been GREATLY misread as romantic interest.  circumstances being what they are, i had let some of my "safety nets" down and was blindsided by the most awkward conversation of my life.

i HATE that i was taken by surprise and that i didn't react more defensively.  i wish i would have had the strength and wisdom to be blunt and walk away from the situation.  so blessed that it was only an awkward conversation and not anything worse.  extravagantly blessed and thankful to have amazing people to step in and help me walk through this.

my initial response is to withdraw and retreat.  i fear "needy" people because i am not enough.  it's hard to reach out if my heart can be so misinterpreted.

i'm still definitely processing and assessing where my boundaries should be put.  this will NOT stop me from being who i am or keep me from reaching out.  it just might tweak my actions just a bit...

praying that it all ends tomorrow with a talk from a couple of my church leaders...

overload.

either i can not figure out what to write about or there is just too much rolling around in my head to write about one thing. self-induced pressure to write about {everything} to keep people current about where i am tends to overwhelm me. i just want to state right now that i'm releasing that pressure and realizing that i can be completely random and write whatever i want and you can unsubscribe if you don't want to read it. :o) (i'm pretty sure that i should have accepted that a long time ago...)

anyways...quick re-cap list and then maybe i'll get back to normal-ish posts about where my heart is.

• i never got around to posting a picture of my boyfriend...who is now my ex-boyfriend.  after almost two months of dating, we both realized that we are just great friends.  i hate that sad, comforting look that everyone gets when i say that we broke up and i think it shocks people when i say it was a good thing.  i don't regret anything, he was an AMAZING boyfriend, we are blessed to remain friends and we both learned so much.  
• my YWAM application is still in the works of being processed.  i don't know when i will be accepted/denied and my stress level is rising in regards to the financial aspect.  my plan which was shaky to begin with would have started sometime in february...i just don't feel like i can start fund-raising without knowing for sure that i'm in the program.  i have to remember that God will provide if that is where i'm supposed to go!
• i'm FINALLY starting to feel better!  i have been sick since about february 18th.  what started as a stuffy nose eventually took me to the emergency room with breathing problems and pneumonia.  i've decided that i'm not a fan of pneumonia.  my energy level is still pretty low and i have a lingering juicy cough that the doctor said could last for a couple months.  ugh.
• salvation army's half-off sale is one of my favorite things.  it definitely takes some time, but yesterday's shopping got me two dresses (one is o'neil), two zip-up sweaters, a nice white cover-up thing to layer with a tank top or dress, a black dressy shirt (from white house/black market) and a swimsuit bottom/skirt thingy....all for $22!  i realize that the clothes are somewhat stinky and there are a LOT of outdated/ugly things there, but i just don't understand what some people have against shopping there.
• the combination of the earthquake/tsunami in japan and hearing about people who are physically struggling to stay alive has really challenged me with regards to complaining.  yes, i've been sick...and sometimes life sucks...but really i don't have it that bad.  when i stop focusing on me i realize how insignificant my problems are.
• i'm heading to my cousin's wedding soon and can't wait to spend some extra time with family!  it will be a nice mini-vacation and an excuse to get all girly and dressed up.  :o)
• i miss running.  not really during the sweaty, painful, labored breathing parts, but the amazing sense of accomplishment and the rush of endorphins afterwards.  my plan to run a 10k on april 3rd isn't gonna happen...getting pneumonia derailed those plans.  have to get serious after i'm 100% again, i feel like such a slug lately.
• after starting an ambitious bible reading plan, i am sad to say it lasted only three days.  my goal is to read the entire bible before september...want to keep me accountable?
• i gave a hug the other day and was reminded of the power behind hugs.  not knowing what to say in certain situations should not stop people from showing support...sadly it has held me back quite a few times.  today the recently widowed man thanked me for that hug.  i met him and his wife through a class i took at church and had instantly felt like they could be another set of grandparents.  i don't know why God connects me to certain people so strongly but i'm curious to see what He has planned.  

oy.  between my contacts drying out a bit and making my vision a little blurry and my tiredness making my brain a little fuzzy, i think it's time to hit [publish post].  i'm ready to curl up in bed and call it a night.  :o)  

bouncing bubbles!

i got this idea from a video clip i saw and had some fun with the boys.

normal bubble solution + a glove (or socks even!) = bouncing bubbles!
check it out...

several blog posts rolling around in my head...

today has been a day of accomplishments.  :o)  it feels so amazing to get things done and checked off of my to-do list!

i sent in my application to YWAM!!!  after much procrastinating, technical frustrations and some deep thoughts i was finally able to complete it and send it on it's way.  i'm sure i'll let EVERYONE know as soon as i hear back regarding whether or not i get accepted.  the next step will be raising support.  any suggestions and ideas would be greatly appreciated.

the weather over the last couple days has me craving summer intensely!  yesterday's sunshine has now been hidden behind a thick layer of clouds, but i figure that editing a few pics i took while hanging out with the little ones will bring back the warm fuzzy feelings.  :o)  enjoy!

living a snapshot.

i love taking the {perfect} picture.  catching the beauty in a moment amidst the chaos of life.

do you have a picture in your mind of who you want to be?

i see a snapshot.  a still portrait of my ideals.  i envision myself in a beautifully decorated home.  content children playing peacefully as the aroma of fresh-baked homemade cookies fill the air.  paperwork is always organized and in its place.  birthdays and other momentous occasions are never forgotten and the ideas for amazing gifts flow freely.  i have no problem with priorities as God is constantly the center of my life.  my relationships are flourishing.  insightful, encouraging blog posts practically write themselves and my creativity is never stunted.

envy creeps in when i see someone who has it {all together} but i am realizing that i'm only seeing a snapshot.  mere glimpses into people's lives do not necessarily portray the work and time spent to get to that moment.  you don't always see the countless moments of discord between the smiles.

i don't have it all together.  most days there are clothes all over my room.  the smell of burnt popcorn overpowers the house.  paperwork and receipts lay in disorganized piles in my closet.  i procrastinate getting gifts because i don't know what would be the most meaningful, which results in lame gift cards or even no gift at all.  my priorities are haywire and my relationships are sometimes neglected.

forgetting yesterday's bad hair day and the fear of tomorrow's wrinkles... all i have is this moment.

what will it look like?

one word.

inspired by alece's idea, i have decided not to attempt any new year's resolutions in 2011.  i could compose quite a long list of things i would love to accomplish, but the pressure to achieve sets me up to fall short of my perfectionistic standards.

i love the idea of focusing on just one word.  it's something manageable to incorporate into life and a standard to reflect on throughout each day.  my one word for the year...joy.

{a feeling of great pleasure and happiness, delight, great pleasure, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, gladness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, enjoyment}

worry, stress and seriousness win the battle way too often.  i desire for this year to be remembered for the laughter and peaceful joy that comes from every day walking with Christ.

click on the joy page above to see scriptures i will be studying and links to all my updates on how choosing joy is changing me.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 5:11

what will it take?

i just crawled into bed after a leisurely bubble bath.  even though my body is fully relaxed and eager to drift off to sleep, my mind and heart are wrestling inside of me.

i long to be passionate and fully dependent on God.  i want to be intentionally living my days seeking His will to be done in my life and those around me.  to be honest, i am no where near that.

am i ready to pay the price?

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

Luke 9:23-24

go read this post.  seriously.  RIGHT NOW!  i cannot stress how much i want you to hear those words...

what will it take for me to have a heart that is so desperate for God?

what will i have to lose to bring me to that place?

God...bring it.

a new year...

my blog sure has been quiet lately, but life sure has not.  time keeps ticking away and my mind is racing with all the things i wish i would have time to write about.  so...without further ado and in no particular order...here is my first word vomit of the year.

Christmas was great amazing phenomenal.  :o) i invited a certain friend along, and he officially became my boyfriend on Christmas day.  God apparently decided to throw me a crazy surprise amidst the festivities of the month of December.  i will have to properly introduce you to Andrew soon with a picture, but for now you will have to wait...

God recently used a sermon to speak peace into a rocky place in my faith walk.  so excited to share about that.  for now, if you are interested in the scripture involved, read about Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22:1-19.

my heart is heavy tonight for my friend Christina.  i met her about seven years ago while working in cannon beach and was so blessed by her passion and faith.  three-ish years ago she began walking through a new season of life as doctors discovered a brain tumor.  she has fought hard and was in remission until just recently.  she will be undergoing another brain surgery on wednesday.  to catch a glimpse of how God is moving in her life, go visit her here!  i have been so blessed by her transparency and words of hope.  PLEASE PRAY!

a couple months ago, i felt God calling me to embark on a grand adventure this september and as long as i get accepted and finances are miraculously worked out, i will be heading to BELIZE!  i am working on the application these next couple weeks, and will try to keep you updated on details.  for now, go check out the YWAM website for my base.  :o)

whew!  yeah... 2011 is shaping up to be an interesting year indeed...can't wait to see what God has planned!