stains.

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Isaiah 64:6

the constant high standards i felt i should live up to were not very practical.  so i did my best and instead began acting.  i knew all the appropriate things to say, parts to play, and when to portray emotions.  between this and my quiet rebellion, i learned that it was necessary to hide my stains.

time and my desire to forget have made some memories a little fuzzy, but hasn't lessened the effect they have had on me.  a close friend who i respected introduced me to masturbation.  hitting puberty had fueled his desires and luckily things came to light before it went any further. 

but a spark had been ignited. 

i've tried for years to extinguish this flame.

my hiding and acting skills became useful as the shame weighed on my shoulders and held me back from reaching out for help.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

over a year ago, i felt God gently pushing me towards opening up about my struggle with masturbation.  i did and although we prayed and i knew God had forgiven me, the shame never ceased. 

my relationship with God felt tainted. 

the freedom and peace seemed elusive. 

i needed a new wardrobe.