i feel responsible.

one of the focuses of the bible study i'm attending is about our personal ministries and missions.  inside the church walls and beyond, we are all called to reach out and share our hope.  one question left me speechless today: "how have you seen the Holy Spirit overflow in your ministry?"

i don't know.  time flies by faster than i realize, i get caught up in insignificant things, opportunities are put off, and lives are affected by my oblivious and neglectful behavior.

pondering these things as i was leaving the church, i returned a phone call that i had missed during the bible study.  my dad asked if i remembered a supervisor that i worked with years ago during my costco days.  he went on to say that he committed suicide this morning.

tears are cascading down my cheeks.  my heart breaks for this young man's life.  thoughts of the deep pain and hopelessness that caused this tragedy overwhelm me.

as i'm trying to process this, questions begin flying at me at a terrifying speed.  what could i have done to change this?  how could i have shown him hope through my life?  did he even know that i was a Christian?

i feel responsible. 

so often i get so absorbed doing what i want to do and i don't listen to the Holy Spirit's guiding voice.  i didn't know that he was struggling, but would i have heard if God was trying to tell me?

i am responsible for my actions and interactions with every person God has placed in my life.  what i do or don't do affects eternity.  i tend to let fear of rejection filter my words depending on who i am speaking to.  i judge people's receptivity according to the masks they wear.  i'm intimidated by the masks of {everything's peachy}, {tough guy}, {i don't care} or even {every hair in place} among many others.

God, please give me a passionate heart to see people the way that you do.  help me to slow down so i can hear your voice above the hustle and bustle of my life.  push me to action when action is needed.  give me hope that overflows into the lives around me.  i can't do anything without you. 

i desire the Holy Spirit to gush out of my pores as i brush shoulders with the hurting people of this world.