it's been awhile...

...since i have posted pictures of these three sweet faces.  :o)

a never-ending vicious cycle.

here i am again.  frustrated that i'm not living up to the standards i've placed on myself.  in a nutshell, this is what happens...

i envision an ideal goal for myself (for example: read my bible everyday) and i take off with the petal to the metal.

for a time, i strive SO hard to accomplish said goal.

something (or possibly even nothing) gets in the way and my motivation fizzles out.

days pass without giving the situation much thought.

guilt sets in.  how long has it been since i _____ ?  ugh...

procrastination and perfectionism rear their ugly heads.  fear of failure (again) delays the next attempt.

and on and on it goes...

tonight i'm hanging out in the procrastination zone.  it drives me nuts to realize that i failed in the same area yet again.  to be honest i think tonight is one of the first times that i thought about EVERYONE dealing with this and that it is just part of being human (it amazes me how ridiculous that sounds.  i know people aren't perfect but sometimes i forget that other people struggle with things like i do.  does that make sense?).

i am going to fail.  no matter how hard i try, it will never be good enough.

here's the kicker:  how long do i let guilt and fear freeze my forward motion?  what good does it do me to sit and sulk about where i am when i could just keep walking?

It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on...

Philippians 3:13-14

new mercy and compassion is available to be poured out on me every time i roll out of bed.  i can't change what happened yesterday but i can choose whether or not it will hold me back from living today.

a bigger opportunity.

i can choose to worry or release.

i can choose to isolate or trust.

this can be an opportunity or an excuse.

the week is now coming to a close and as the sun is peeking through the clouds, i am curled up under a blanket reflecting on the drama within my heart.  i was hit hard physically, emotionally and financially this month and i have battle wounds as a result.

the sticky situation i posted about a couple days ago has been resolved (as far as i can tell), but as for the internal aftermath...i'm not so sure.  i would love to say that all of this just rolled off my back like water on a duck, but no matter how much i joke about it and try to minimize it, i have already noticed a new hesitance in my interactions with guys in general.

between taxes, emergency room bills and my possible YWAM adventure, my financial situation is looking pretty discouraging.  my initial response to almost everything is to worry, but i'm {trying} to take a deep breath and relax this time.  in all reality i have SO much and at this point i could sign up to make monthly payments for my bills and decide not to go on my nine month adventure.  BUT for one of the first times of my life, i'm excited to see how God provides within this crazy time.  in the past i have worried about it until the last second and then smacked my forehead in frustration that i doubted His provision again...

The Lord answered Moses, "Is the Lord's arm too short?  You will now see whether or not what I say will come true for you."

Numbers 11:23

the human impossibility is an occasion for demonstrating the Lord's power.

a sticky situation...

this week has been interesting to say the least.  over dinner monday night, i realized that my kind heart and somewhat naive personality had been GREATLY misread as romantic interest.  circumstances being what they are, i had let some of my "safety nets" down and was blindsided by the most awkward conversation of my life.

i HATE that i was taken by surprise and that i didn't react more defensively.  i wish i would have had the strength and wisdom to be blunt and walk away from the situation.  so blessed that it was only an awkward conversation and not anything worse.  extravagantly blessed and thankful to have amazing people to step in and help me walk through this.

my initial response is to withdraw and retreat.  i fear "needy" people because i am not enough.  it's hard to reach out if my heart can be so misinterpreted.

i'm still definitely processing and assessing where my boundaries should be put.  this will NOT stop me from being who i am or keep me from reaching out.  it just might tweak my actions just a bit...

praying that it all ends tomorrow with a talk from a couple of my church leaders...

overload.

either i can not figure out what to write about or there is just too much rolling around in my head to write about one thing. self-induced pressure to write about {everything} to keep people current about where i am tends to overwhelm me. i just want to state right now that i'm releasing that pressure and realizing that i can be completely random and write whatever i want and you can unsubscribe if you don't want to read it. :o) (i'm pretty sure that i should have accepted that a long time ago...)

anyways...quick re-cap list and then maybe i'll get back to normal-ish posts about where my heart is.

• i never got around to posting a picture of my boyfriend...who is now my ex-boyfriend.  after almost two months of dating, we both realized that we are just great friends.  i hate that sad, comforting look that everyone gets when i say that we broke up and i think it shocks people when i say it was a good thing.  i don't regret anything, he was an AMAZING boyfriend, we are blessed to remain friends and we both learned so much.  
• my YWAM application is still in the works of being processed.  i don't know when i will be accepted/denied and my stress level is rising in regards to the financial aspect.  my plan which was shaky to begin with would have started sometime in february...i just don't feel like i can start fund-raising without knowing for sure that i'm in the program.  i have to remember that God will provide if that is where i'm supposed to go!
• i'm FINALLY starting to feel better!  i have been sick since about february 18th.  what started as a stuffy nose eventually took me to the emergency room with breathing problems and pneumonia.  i've decided that i'm not a fan of pneumonia.  my energy level is still pretty low and i have a lingering juicy cough that the doctor said could last for a couple months.  ugh.
• salvation army's half-off sale is one of my favorite things.  it definitely takes some time, but yesterday's shopping got me two dresses (one is o'neil), two zip-up sweaters, a nice white cover-up thing to layer with a tank top or dress, a black dressy shirt (from white house/black market) and a swimsuit bottom/skirt thingy....all for $22!  i realize that the clothes are somewhat stinky and there are a LOT of outdated/ugly things there, but i just don't understand what some people have against shopping there.
• the combination of the earthquake/tsunami in japan and hearing about people who are physically struggling to stay alive has really challenged me with regards to complaining.  yes, i've been sick...and sometimes life sucks...but really i don't have it that bad.  when i stop focusing on me i realize how insignificant my problems are.
• i'm heading to my cousin's wedding soon and can't wait to spend some extra time with family!  it will be a nice mini-vacation and an excuse to get all girly and dressed up.  :o)
• i miss running.  not really during the sweaty, painful, labored breathing parts, but the amazing sense of accomplishment and the rush of endorphins afterwards.  my plan to run a 10k on april 3rd isn't gonna happen...getting pneumonia derailed those plans.  have to get serious after i'm 100% again, i feel like such a slug lately.
• after starting an ambitious bible reading plan, i am sad to say it lasted only three days.  my goal is to read the entire bible before september...want to keep me accountable?
• i gave a hug the other day and was reminded of the power behind hugs.  not knowing what to say in certain situations should not stop people from showing support...sadly it has held me back quite a few times.  today the recently widowed man thanked me for that hug.  i met him and his wife through a class i took at church and had instantly felt like they could be another set of grandparents.  i don't know why God connects me to certain people so strongly but i'm curious to see what He has planned.  

oy.  between my contacts drying out a bit and making my vision a little blurry and my tiredness making my brain a little fuzzy, i think it's time to hit [publish post].  i'm ready to curl up in bed and call it a night.  :o)