on the edge.

i feel the constant pressure as the water continues to rise.  small streams cascade down my cheeks as the wind picks up.  the tiniest pebble causes a ripple effect and i can't hold back the tears.  this flood threatens to demolish the structure i so carefully constructed.

this season has me reeling.  though the list of struggles may seem small, the foundation being rocked has far-reaching influence.  the core of who i am and what i believe is being challenged.

i'm scared of where i will run if everything around me falls.

on the edge.

i feel the constant pressure as the water continues to rise.  small streams cascade down my cheeks as the wind picks up.  the tiniest pebble causes a ripple effect and i can't hold back the tears.  this flood threatens to demolish the structure i so carefully constructed.

this season has me reeling.  though the list of struggles may seem small, the foundation being rocked has far-reaching influence.  the core of who i am and what i believe is being challenged.

i'm scared of where i will run if everything around me falls.

thankful.

things i am thankful for this morning:

• late night phone calls that end in encouraging prayer
• friends who i can count on to love me through all seasons of life
• my toms shoes
• cocoa pebbles
• possible afternoon sunshine
• being surrounded by so many awesome opportunities that my schedule fills up
• long-distance hugs over facebook

today will be better than yesterday.

thankful.

things i am thankful for this morning:

• late night phone calls that end in encouraging prayer
• friends who i can count on to love me through all seasons of life
• my toms shoes
• cocoa pebbles
• possible afternoon sunshine
• being surrounded by so many awesome opportunities that my schedule fills up
• long-distance hugs over facebook

today will be better than yesterday.

to be blunt...

today was a rough one.  exhaustion has taken over emotionally and physically.  here are a few things i am wrestling with... prayer would be greatly appreciated.

• i am dreading an upcoming conversation.  fear of causing pain nearly sidelines me and i don't know if i will be able to speak due to overwhelming emotions.
• i need wisdom regarding a decision that i need to make.  lists of pros and cons help, but truthfully not knowing what is best is tearing me up.  i'm the type of person that likes to flip a coin to make meaningless decisions just because even the easy ones can be hard for me.
• i can't do it all.  so many people in my life need extra love right now.  it breaks my heart that i can't be as supportive as i would like... i am praying that people will step up and stand in the gap.  i would love to have direction as to who and how i'll help as well.
• my self-worth is really being attacked.  i have wondered recently why people love me or even want to hang out with me.  i know that the thoughts i'm having are lies, but combined with everything else, i am having a hard time fighting them off.
• this summer is bringing a unique challenge to my faith.  a promise will either be fulfilled or God has other plans for my life.  i'm scared of how i will react to the possible disappointment.

if you have any Bible verses that have encouraged you when times have been tough, please send them my way.  thank you for praying for me.

to be blunt...

today was a rough one.  exhaustion has taken over emotionally and physically.  here are a few things i am wrestling with... prayer would be greatly appreciated.

• i am dreading an upcoming conversation.  fear of causing pain nearly sidelines me and i don't know if i will be able to speak due to overwhelming emotions.
• i need wisdom regarding a decision that i need to make.  lists of pros and cons help, but truthfully not knowing what is best is tearing me up.  i'm the type of person that likes to flip a coin to make meaningless decisions just because even the easy ones can be hard for me.
• i can't do it all.  so many people in my life need extra love right now.  it breaks my heart that i can't be as supportive as i would like... i am praying that people will step up and stand in the gap.  i would love to have direction as to who and how i'll help as well.
• my self-worth is really being attacked.  i have wondered recently why people love me or even want to hang out with me.  i know that the thoughts i'm having are lies, but combined with everything else, i am having a hard time fighting them off.
• this summer is bringing a unique challenge to my faith.  a promise will either be fulfilled or God has other plans for my life.  i'm scared of how i will react to the possible disappointment.

if you have any Bible verses that have encouraged you when times have been tough, please send them my way.  thank you for praying for me.

empty my hands...

this song by tenth avenue north so accurately describes my struggle right now.  go here to listen!

Empty My Hands
Mike Donehey

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this oh Lord, how long
Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
My hands like locks on cages
Of these dreams I can't set free

But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with you

These voices speak instead and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving into them, please Lord, how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
Will I find you brought me back to life

My mind is like a building burning down
I need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
And my heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for

empty my hands...

this song by tenth avenue north so accurately describes my struggle right now.  go here to listen!

Empty My Hands
Mike Donehey

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this oh Lord, how long
Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
My hands like locks on cages
Of these dreams I can't set free

But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with you

These voices speak instead and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving into them, please Lord, how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
Will I find you brought me back to life

My mind is like a building burning down
I need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
And my heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for

i registered...

for my first 5k!  i guess i can't back out now.  :o)  something about committing to it and knowing other people will be around really motivates me.  my competitive drive kicks in and gets me moving.  43 more days of training.  my goal is to be able to run the whole way without walking.

something i've been learning is to not underestimate my strength.  whether it is emotionally, spiritually, or physically, i tend to minimize what i can do.  instead of seeing my strengths, i tend to focus on my weaknesses.  i don't see my determination when i have focused on the smaller steps along the way instead of the bigger picture.  

i still have a long way to go, but that does not negate the progress i have made.

i registered...

for my first 5k!  i guess i can't back out now.  :o)  something about committing to it and knowing other people will be around really motivates me.  my competitive drive kicks in and gets me moving.  43 more days of training.  my goal is to be able to run the whole way without walking.

something i've been learning is to not underestimate my strength.  whether it is emotionally, spiritually, or physically, i tend to minimize what i can do.  instead of seeing my strengths, i tend to focus on my weaknesses.  i don't see my determination when i have focused on the smaller steps along the way instead of the bigger picture.  

i still have a long way to go, but that does not negate the progress i have made.

weekend @ the beach.

i just spent the weekend at the beach with some of my favorite people in the world.  it was bittersweet knowing that our group is changing.  five of us have been called to step into different ministries and take a step back from the leadership of the college group at East Hill.

it was a tough time for me.  telling the people i love that God is calling me to step back was heartbreaking to me.  many tears were shed but i know that these friendships will not end here.

weekend @ the beach.

i just spent the weekend at the beach with some of my favorite people in the world.  it was bittersweet knowing that our group is changing.  five of us have been called to step into different ministries and take a step back from the leadership of the college group at East Hill.

it was a tough time for me.  telling the people i love that God is calling me to step back was heartbreaking to me.  many tears were shed but i know that these friendships will not end here.

i'm a little slow...

God has been speaking to me since before march 24th about my schedule.  i have felt His prompting to let go of a commitment and i have been fighting it ever since.

on my walk/run the other day, God gave me a picture of my reluctance.  i am like the hundreds of slugs that i have seen inching their way across the road.  the cars fly by and some slugs are in the wrong place at the wrong time.  my disobedience has kept me at the same intersection for quite awhile now.  the longer i sit here, the more likely i am to be run over.

it's time to move.

i'm a little slow...

God has been speaking to me since before march 24th about my schedule.  i have felt His prompting to let go of a commitment and i have been fighting it ever since.

on my walk/run the other day, God gave me a picture of my reluctance.  i am like the hundreds of slugs that i have seen inching their way across the road.  the cars fly by and some slugs are in the wrong place at the wrong time.  my disobedience has kept me at the same intersection for quite awhile now.  the longer i sit here, the more likely i am to be run over.

it's time to move.

wanna see what i did yesterday?

i totally slacked off and didn't take any pictures...but rae did!  rae, salem and i headed to the portland audubon society for a little adventure.  we met a cool owl, peregrine falcon, turkey vulture and a couple of other birds.  head over to rae's blog to see pictures!

wanna see what i did yesterday?

i totally slacked off and didn't take any pictures...but rae did!  rae, salem and i headed to the portland audubon society for a little adventure.  we met a cool owl, peregrine falcon, turkey vulture and a couple of other birds.  head over to rae's blog to see pictures!

i want to belong.

good news:  the weather was gorgeous today.

bad news:  i have not been to the beach since january (when this photo was taken).

since the sun came out to play today, i saw more miatas than usual.  just like motorcyclists, miata owners acknowledge other miatas with a wave.  several times today i waved at total strangers and they waved back.  with the wind whipping through my hair, i searched my heart to figure out why that simple gesture made me feel so happy.  it all came down to {i belong}.  by owning my car, i belong to the "i own a miata" club.

silly as that sounds, i think we all want to belong.  not necessarily to the miata club...but to something.

as a child of God, i've got countless family members whom i have never met.  wouldn't it be cool to know at a glance that a brother or sister is walking by?  it would be amazing to know in an instant that we have that common ground.

i think God wants that too.  we are called to be set apart (Leviticus 20:26) and to be a light in this world (Matthew 5:16).  but above all we are called to love.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

John 13:35

i want to belong.

good news:  the weather was gorgeous today.

bad news:  i have not been to the beach since january (when this photo was taken).

since the sun came out to play today, i saw more miatas than usual.  just like motorcyclists, miata owners acknowledge other miatas with a wave.  several times today i waved at total strangers and they waved back.  with the wind whipping through my hair, i searched my heart to figure out why that simple gesture made me feel so happy.  it all came down to {i belong}.  by owning my car, i belong to the "i own a miata" club.

silly as that sounds, i think we all want to belong.  not necessarily to the miata club...but to something.

as a child of God, i've got countless family members whom i have never met.  wouldn't it be cool to know at a glance that a brother or sister is walking by?  it would be amazing to know in an instant that we have that common ground.

i think God wants that too.  we are called to be set apart (Leviticus 20:26) and to be a light in this world (Matthew 5:16).  but above all we are called to love.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

John 13:35

dreading the storm.

i see a storm brewing in the distance.  fear of having my faith uprooted has been constantly on my mind.  last night, words of peace washed over my soul.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

Colossians 2:6-7

just like regular weather forecasts, predictions can be way off.  God won't send a storm that will tear me out of the foundation built on His truth.  branches may be ripped off and the scenery may look drastically different, but my faith will stand firm.

dreading the storm.

i see a storm brewing in the distance.  fear of having my faith uprooted has been constantly on my mind.  last night, words of peace washed over my soul.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

Colossians 2:6-7

just like regular weather forecasts, predictions can be way off.  God won't send a storm that will tear me out of the foundation built on His truth.  branches may be ripped off and the scenery may look drastically different, but my faith will stand firm.

ah...

amidst the drizzle and cloudy skies, the sunshine in my heart shines on.  God's timing and perfect provision come at just the right moment.  unexpected friendships and joy take a load off of my shoulders.

the quiet hum of cafe d surrounds me as i think about my day and the days coming.  peace invades my heart when i focus on the truth.

I know that the LORD is great, that our Lord is greater than all gods.  The LORD does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths.  He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth; he sends lightning with the rain and brings out the wind from his storehouses.

Psalms 135:5-7

ah...

amidst the drizzle and cloudy skies, the sunshine in my heart shines on.  God's timing and perfect provision come at just the right moment.  unexpected friendships and joy take a load off of my shoulders.

the quiet hum of cafe d surrounds me as i think about my day and the days coming.  peace invades my heart when i focus on the truth.

I know that the LORD is great, that our Lord is greater than all gods.  The LORD does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths.  He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth; he sends lightning with the rain and brings out the wind from his storehouses.

Psalms 135:5-7

memorial day weekend = joy

the day before my great escape, i was seriously burdened regarding three main areas of my life.  knowing that i would have some time to chill with God, i painted some rocks to symbolize these specific things:  my heart, my relationships and the direction of my life.  i carried them with me in my pocket as a reminder to pray and give them to God.  the campground sits next to a river and i claimed a boulder as my own and frequently escaped there.

pulling into the camp on friday afternoon felt like coming home.  a fresh breath of air and renewed hope surged through my veins.  throughout the weekend when i didn't feel the need to slip away to talk with God, i had no desire to leave the campground.  i was exorbitantly blessed by instant family and conversations.  my time studying the word grew into discussions with those around me about how to live it out.  the hours spent enjoying the beauty of the sunshine, rolling hills, luscious green foliage, and stunning shooting stars were shared as we stood in awe of the one who made it all.  being surrounded by laughter and joy made my heart soar.  just like last year, i left questioning why i had to leave.

hot showers and a soft warm bed welcomed me home.  i came back a little lighter...without those three rocks weighing me down.  i came back richer...more friends, hope and peace.  i came back with a passion to live where God is leading me.

memorial day weekend = joy

the day before my great escape, i was seriously burdened regarding three main areas of my life.  knowing that i would have some time to chill with God, i painted some rocks to symbolize these specific things:  my heart, my relationships and the direction of my life.  i carried them with me in my pocket as a reminder to pray and give them to God.  the campground sits next to a river and i claimed a boulder as my own and frequently escaped there.

pulling into the camp on friday afternoon felt like coming home.  a fresh breath of air and renewed hope surged through my veins.  throughout the weekend when i didn't feel the need to slip away to talk with God, i had no desire to leave the campground.  i was exorbitantly blessed by instant family and conversations.  my time studying the word grew into discussions with those around me about how to live it out.  the hours spent enjoying the beauty of the sunshine, rolling hills, luscious green foliage, and stunning shooting stars were shared as we stood in awe of the one who made it all.  being surrounded by laughter and joy made my heart soar.  just like last year, i left questioning why i had to leave.

hot showers and a soft warm bed welcomed me home.  i came back a little lighter...without those three rocks weighing me down.  i came back richer...more friends, hope and peace.  i came back with a passion to live where God is leading me.