where have i been?

i haven't blogged much lately.  the inspiration, ideas and words just weren't flowing.  the passion behind the typing is returning though.

recently i noticed a correlation between my passions and how much i'm pursuing God.  the things i tend to live for when i'm seeking Him are usually more productive, edifying and encouraging.  i have been coping a LOT recently with things that are slowly tearing me down.  food, tv and falling into old sinful patterns have left me uncomfortable in my own skin.

i am desperate for {positive} change.

my hair is now about six inches shorter.  it tends to grow until i randomly feel the need for something different.  this time i don't think it was so random.  if i'm absolutely truthful i have been wondering about the underlying reasons behind my desire for this change.

my insecurities about how i look tend to fuel my desire for compliments.  i relish the times people notice the change when i often feel invisible and unimportant.  with the focus on the external, they might not see that i'm struggling internally.

i know what i should be doing.

i want the change but i don't want to change.  i want the benefits without the effort.

my church just started a new small group focus called Uprising by Erwin McManus, and i'm amazed again by God's timing.  these quotes have been so instrumental to me lately.

"there is more life in me than death around me."

"we were created with a passion to live.  when a person loses his will to live, he has essentially begun the first stage of dying.  this is why some people live until their final breaths and others die long before their bodies are laid to rest."

i want to live.

where have i been?

i haven't blogged much lately.  the inspiration, ideas and words just weren't flowing.  the passion behind the typing is returning though.

recently i noticed a correlation between my passions and how much i'm pursuing God.  the things i tend to live for when i'm seeking Him are usually more productive, edifying and encouraging.  i have been coping a LOT recently with things that are slowly tearing me down.  food, tv and falling into old sinful patterns have left me uncomfortable in my own skin.

i am desperate for {positive} change.

my hair is now about six inches shorter.  it tends to grow until i randomly feel the need for something different.  this time i don't think it was so random.  if i'm absolutely truthful i have been wondering about the underlying reasons behind my desire for this change.

my insecurities about how i look tend to fuel my desire for compliments.  i relish the times people notice the change when i often feel invisible and unimportant.  with the focus on the external, they might not see that i'm struggling internally.

i know what i should be doing.

i want the change but i don't want to change.  i want the benefits without the effort.

my church just started a new small group focus called Uprising by Erwin McManus, and i'm amazed again by God's timing.  these quotes have been so instrumental to me lately.

"there is more life in me than death around me."

"we were created with a passion to live.  when a person loses his will to live, he has essentially begun the first stage of dying.  this is why some people live until their final breaths and others die long before their bodies are laid to rest."

i want to live.

fabulous february.

january was a jerk.  i wasn't too fond of the beginning of 2010.

february has been a freakin' fabulous change of pace.  not a lot has changed other than my perspective.  i have stopped fighting God about imminent changes and allowed my focus to shift from the frustrations to the blessings.

even through the process of being frustrated with my finances i knew that God had ALWAYS provided.  it amazes me how ridiculously worrisome i can be even with that knowledge.  this time is no exception, but there is always an element of surprise or change with the provision.

i will be moving at the end of this month.  it will be heart-wrenching to leave my home and the people who have become family to me.  thankfully they will only be fifteen minutes away.  i have been blessed to have a brother, sister-in-law, two nephews and a neice who are willing (and excited) to offer me a room.  the move will be bittersweet as i'm grieving and celebrating the change simultaneously.

i have not given God very much credit for this blessing.  when things tend to fall into place and peace comes, i often attribute it to things like coincidences and people's efforts.  this was brought to my attention tonight gently by another blessing.

tears immediately filled my eyes as cash fell out of an unexpected card filled with beautiful words.  not given out of abundance or obligation, the value sky-rocketed over the actual monetary amount.  reaching the depths of my heart, jeremiah 29:11 resonated loudly as i sat in awe.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

fabulous february.

january was a jerk.  i wasn't too fond of the beginning of 2010.

february has been a freakin' fabulous change of pace.  not a lot has changed other than my perspective.  i have stopped fighting God about imminent changes and allowed my focus to shift from the frustrations to the blessings.

even through the process of being frustrated with my finances i knew that God had ALWAYS provided.  it amazes me how ridiculously worrisome i can be even with that knowledge.  this time is no exception, but there is always an element of surprise or change with the provision.

i will be moving at the end of this month.  it will be heart-wrenching to leave my home and the people who have become family to me.  thankfully they will only be fifteen minutes away.  i have been blessed to have a brother, sister-in-law, two nephews and a neice who are willing (and excited) to offer me a room.  the move will be bittersweet as i'm grieving and celebrating the change simultaneously.

i have not given God very much credit for this blessing.  when things tend to fall into place and peace comes, i often attribute it to things like coincidences and people's efforts.  this was brought to my attention tonight gently by another blessing.

tears immediately filled my eyes as cash fell out of an unexpected card filled with beautiful words.  not given out of abundance or obligation, the value sky-rocketed over the actual monetary amount.  reaching the depths of my heart, jeremiah 29:11 resonated loudly as i sat in awe.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

we had a friend over today!

 

emma came to hang out with us all day!  we had so much fun.  the kids didn't know she was coming, so they were surprised when they woke up.

at breakfast, meshach asked what bug she should be. {i call them big bug, doodle bug and lady bug.}  he came up with honey bee and called her that sporadically throughout the day.  :o)

meshach loved to help take care of her and offered his hand to her on our walk.

 

  

  

  

it was such a beautiful day!  after lunch we went back outside to play with chalk.

  

we had a friend over today!

 

emma came to hang out with us all day!  we had so much fun.  the kids didn't know she was coming, so they were surprised when they woke up.

at breakfast, meshach asked what bug she should be. {i call them big bug, doodle bug and lady bug.}  he came up with honey bee and called her that sporadically throughout the day.  :o)

meshach loved to help take care of her and offered his hand to her on our walk.

 

  

  

  

it was such a beautiful day!  after lunch we went back outside to play with chalk.

  

it's all in your perspective.

 

the waves in life have been violent and volatile lately. 

i should jump in and enjoy the adventure of it all.

(i wanted to be out there surfing SO bad...)

the things right in front of me overwhelm me merely by how big i perceive them to be.

desperate for instant results, i think things are complete or whole.  closer inspection reveals the truth and i realize i didn't see what i thought i did and i'm sorely disappointed.

since three pints of Ben & Jerry's over the last two weeks have not alleviated any stress, i decided to escape last saturday.  the urge to run from life had consumed me so i settled for a day trip to cannon beach.  in the process of shutting everyone out, my tunnel vision had focused only on the frustrations.

for the first time, i'm realizing some blatant places of unbelief in my relationship with God.  my mouth has professed my faith in His goodness and sovereignty but my actions and heart declare self-sufficiency and distrust.  i'm easily devastated when changes need to happen which are not in my plan.  circumstances that move me opposite of where i want to go disrail my trust in God's wisdom.

my heart is raw and emotions come swiftly and harshly.  i need to let go, but i feel everything i hope for, dream about and already possess will be ripped away.  this tug-of-war is tearing me apart.

 

 while warming up with hot chocolate, i had a little chat with God.  it was quite a step after a week of giving Him the cold shoulder because i was mad.  perspective became the reoccuring theme as i thought about the pictures i took that morning and the way i felt life had been going.  God reassured me that He is bigger than any relationship, financial problems or stress i could ever have.

changes are coming.  tough decisions have been made.  i am blessed by God's provision.

when will i start learning things the easy way?  another reoccuring theme...

it's all in your perspective.

 

the waves in life have been violent and volatile lately. 

i should jump in and enjoy the adventure of it all.

(i wanted to be out there surfing SO bad...)

the things right in front of me overwhelm me merely by how big i perceive them to be.

desperate for instant results, i think things are complete or whole.  closer inspection reveals the truth and i realize i didn't see what i thought i did and i'm sorely disappointed.

since three pints of Ben & Jerry's over the last two weeks have not alleviated any stress, i decided to escape last saturday.  the urge to run from life had consumed me so i settled for a day trip to cannon beach.  in the process of shutting everyone out, my tunnel vision had focused only on the frustrations.

for the first time, i'm realizing some blatant places of unbelief in my relationship with God.  my mouth has professed my faith in His goodness and sovereignty but my actions and heart declare self-sufficiency and distrust.  i'm easily devastated when changes need to happen which are not in my plan.  circumstances that move me opposite of where i want to go disrail my trust in God's wisdom.

my heart is raw and emotions come swiftly and harshly.  i need to let go, but i feel everything i hope for, dream about and already possess will be ripped away.  this tug-of-war is tearing me apart.

 

 while warming up with hot chocolate, i had a little chat with God.  it was quite a step after a week of giving Him the cold shoulder because i was mad.  perspective became the reoccuring theme as i thought about the pictures i took that morning and the way i felt life had been going.  God reassured me that He is bigger than any relationship, financial problems or stress i could ever have.

changes are coming.  tough decisions have been made.  i am blessed by God's provision.

when will i start learning things the easy way?  another reoccuring theme...