disobedience.

i sat during worship on sunday with a dull, flat feeling in my heart.  passion and joy linger only in memories right now.  lately it seems like my time during worship at church has been the only time i have honestly taken the opportunity to open up a conversation with God and allow Him to speak.

as soon as i inquired about why i am here again, the answer was so clear.  i have been disobedient.  many times i have been reminded to write out my heart in this season and i still resist.  excuses come quickly and squelch the gentle reminders.  i don't doubt that the words will come...i'm afraid of what they will say.  it's sometimes scary to come face to face with what you are wrestling with below the surface.

sadly i realized that the distance i feel from everything i hold dear has been my choice.  i fill my schedule to the brim and try to balance it all out by checking out on life during my down time.  i have mastered this as a way of surviving the days, weeks and months, but i'm tired of merely surviving...i want to thrive.

so i start again today, because right now is all that i have.  i can't change yesterday and tomorrow will bring enough distractions to keep me busy.

today i write because it's all that i know how to do.  i can't leave this place until i realize where i am.

beautiful one.

i would love to introduce you to a girl that i love dearly.  let’s just call her beautiful one.   this week she became my new hero.

beautiful one is currently at an age that most would agree is a tough stage of life.  normal life challenges are amplified by a fickle and harsh social environment...also known as middle school.  this has not been an easy road for beautiful one to walk down.  destructive words are spewed out of people’s mouths frequently here and have caused her chaos and pain.  these wounds cut deeper than anyone can see.  

the lies were hard to ignore and they took a great toll on beautiful one.  desperate for escape, she began to cut.  eventually she tried to end it all but thankfully this is not where the story ends.  God continues to have great plans in motion for her life. 

over the years, her strength has always been obvious to me.  even though she is younger, i was drawn to her and wanted desperately to be her friend.  i am so honored to be a part of her life and my heart melted when she introduced me to someone as her big sister recently.   but beautiful one now has another role in my life...she has become a source of inspiration and someone i look up to.

soon after returning to school from a break, she wanted to tell her story.  i had the great privilege to be there as she shared in front of all of her peers.  amazed by her courage, i still wonder if i could do what she did even at this stage of my life.  tears poured down my cheeks as i heard the story again...beautiful one has endured so much.  

i wish i could prove to her how much she is loved, wanted and cherished.  beautiful one is a piece of God’s heart that is unique and significant.  just as a butterfly can not see the beauty of it’s own wings, i desperately want to show her a picture of the amazing woman that God created her to be and that she is already becoming.  i am so proud of her.

while you may not know my beautiful one, every day you are around people who have been lied to about their gorgeous wings.  don’t forget that your words have great power...use them wisely.

dropping below the surface.

the steady roll of waves have left me gasping for air.  the illusion of having it together has been replaced with the desperate longing to just keep my head above the water.  holding on tightly to so many things while treading water is just not possible.  i am overwhelmed.

a sadness washes over me as i allow the disappointment i feel that i am to surface.  yet again i am learning that i am not enough. in the rare quiet moments of my day, i distinctly feel a sinking sensation that describes this season so well...surrendering to the pull of the deep water sounds so appealing.  although seemingly drastic and destructive at first, tonight i began to see the truth of it all.

my source of life, hope and sustainment has never left me.  although so much bigger than just this, think about God as your personal SCUBA gear for a few minutes.  i will continue to struggle, be beaten and battered by the waves and be completely exhausted if i choose to stubbornly try to do this thing called life on my own.  the SCUBA gear has been firmly secured to my back the entire time, but it isn’t until i fully trust and slowly sink deeper into the water that the peace comes.  

the chaos on the surface becomes distant and muted as i relax into the gentle weightlessness of the water.  my grasp of time gets hazy and life seems to slow down.  it is quiet here and i allow myself to listen. the intensity of the beating of my heart lessens and a new rhythm settles in.  beauty surrounds me and i am overwhelmed by new perspective.  i’m not oblivious to the rain continuing to pelt the stormy water above me, but i watch as things dance in purpose and time to a song the Creator is directing.  i’m not here on my own strength or abilities because by now my lungs would have begun to scream...in this place there is no question to how i’m surviving.  

this is where i want to live. 

it’s time to let go and breathe deep of the life He has designed for me.

a long awaited conversation.

the moment of anticipation peaks as you hug a friend for the first time in a long time.  all of the stories and memories of things that you haven't discussed yet are barely being held back.  even though the opportunity has arrived, you hesitate and wonder where to begin.  this is how i feel today in regards to even beginning to write this post.

God is constantly reminding me of the power of words.  in this season of seeking healing and learning about forgiveness, He is showing me that it will come through this gift that He has given to me...the ability to write.  most of the time my jumbled thoughts and emotions start out with a negative twinge and i can feel the struggle as the words cause clarity...but as i see it plainly on the page, the white area is a much bigger mass than the black markings i have made.  in between each letter there is space for hope to shine through.

i don't like that Christmas is next week.  as harsh as that may sound, i wish that time was flowing like a jubilant sleigh ride through soft fluffy snow instead of the intense treadmill that i feel like i'm clinging to.  Christmas has so much depth that i hate to miss and there is just so much going on.

last week was a horrific news week and the depravity of this earth grieved my heart in a new way.  both shooting incidents, one here in clackamas and the other in connecticut, reminded me of the heartbreak that i am still walking through with my loss.  but i learned something new...my heart is starting to break for the severely broken.  i ache for the people who have been marinated in lies and confusion to the point of destruction.  forgiveness is a challenging path to walk, but God has my hand and is showing me the way.

after all...didn't Jesus come to forgive?

don't let the craziness of the world and this season pull you away from this incredible gift.  offer it to others and yourself freely...it will far surpass any present that can fit under the tree.

clarity after the storm.

my journey over the past few months brings me back here.  my desire to write has been rekindled as i realize that this is where my heart thrives.  sometimes the words flow freely like tears down my face and others seem like lost treasures that i have to find.  either way, they are a part of me.

i really don't know where to start.  the jumbled mess of emotions and experiences have a depth that even i don't always see.  the beauty that surrounds all of this is knowing that God has a strategic and stunning plan through all the chaos.  i'm discovering that this season is not just a transitional time between my time with YWAM and my next big adventure...my job is not just a filler until i find a way to live out my passions...every moment and opportunity is orchestrated for me to dwell exactly where i need to be.

it has been almost a month already since the last major earthquake in the foundations of my heart.  another typical tuesday morning at work was unfolding when one of my co-workers didn't show up on time for her shift.  casual assumptions about over-sleeping or writing her schedule down wrong eventually were dismissed and phone calls were made.  it wasn't until later that day that it really sunk in that she was missing.  the next few days dragged on with a lot of unanswered questions, fear and anguish.  by friday night the police had made an arrest in her murder.

the heartache that this world sometimes brings can seem unbearable.  the loss of someone you love is always hard, but i've realized the loss of my friend Whitney brings the biggest opportunity to walk out forgiveness in my life so far.  it is proving to be a daily process that i'm stumbling along and occasionally fighting against.  oh how i hate the evil choices that people make.

after a couple weeks of feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me, the last week or so has allowed me to take a couple of deep breaths.  the sharp pains have subsided and made way for the dull ache of a wound that hasn't quite healed yet.  my life altering moments tend to usher in seasons of new clarity and focus as the little things that usually occupy my worries and energies fade to reveal what is really important to me.

people.

investing love into the lives of the people around me is what matters.  at the end of the day i want to know that i purposefully spoke encouragement and life to the ones whom i saw or whoever God brought to mind.

and so i keep walking because today is teeming with opportunity.

glimpses of heaven.

just thinking about what to type next makes my heart constrict and eyes start to water. last wednesday i set out on a grand adventure up to Canada to reunite with half of my YWAM team. the bus arrived in Vancouver after 11 pm and i did a little happy dance after a round of hugs for everyone. it meant the world to me for everyone to make the trek to come pick me up so late at night. 

over the course of the following four days i was reminded of who i am. the camaraderie our YWAM family has nourishes the deep places in my heart that usually have walls around them. i laugh and cry without reservations, soaking up the freedom to be real, broken and goofy. 

i’ve tried to wrap my brain around why this group is so different than i’ve ever encountered before. i find myself mad that i can’t be with them constantly and i despise when i realize that i hold back so much of myself apart from them. in the past, saying goodbye to my team has included saying adios to a part of myself.

but what if...

...my YWAM family was given to me to show me a glimpse of what relationships are meant to be and who i was created to be...

...my YWAM family was scattered to challenge me to be me regardless of the details...

...this is my opportunity to fly...

it’s time for me to launch forward off of the barriers i have built in my life and be a part of what God is depositing in the fertile soil within my reach. my heart still aches to be together with my team but a smile breaks through the tears when i realize that i may have been given a minuscule glimpse of the community of heaven. our heart’s united in the pursuit of God...

anticipation and hope.

this month has the ingredients to be simply epic.  my heart feels fuzzy and beats faster when i take the time to think about the upcoming weeks.  this is proving to be even bigger than Christmas morning.

within the next week and a half..

...i will explore a new country...Canada here i come!...

...my heart will be reunited with half of my very loved and cherished YWAM team...

...i will move into my new apartment with my beautiful sister.  God's hand in this process has blown my socks off.  such an awesome example of doors been opened and closed to my benefit and HIS glory...

...there is a special appointment to find out if little love bug is my niece or nephew, coming this fall...

words fall short of describing this hope that is bubbling up.  in these moments i wonder though, if i truly believe that God is trustworthy...if i know without a doubt that God has promised this hope that never fails...and if i acknowledge that He is constantly working things towards my good and His plan...shouldn't i anticipate tomorrow like this everyday?