dropping below the surface.

the steady roll of waves have left me gasping for air.  the illusion of having it together has been replaced with the desperate longing to just keep my head above the water.  holding on tightly to so many things while treading water is just not possible.  i am overwhelmed.

a sadness washes over me as i allow the disappointment i feel that i am to surface.  yet again i am learning that i am not enough. in the rare quiet moments of my day, i distinctly feel a sinking sensation that describes this season so well...surrendering to the pull of the deep water sounds so appealing.  although seemingly drastic and destructive at first, tonight i began to see the truth of it all.

my source of life, hope and sustainment has never left me.  although so much bigger than just this, think about God as your personal SCUBA gear for a few minutes.  i will continue to struggle, be beaten and battered by the waves and be completely exhausted if i choose to stubbornly try to do this thing called life on my own.  the SCUBA gear has been firmly secured to my back the entire time, but it isn’t until i fully trust and slowly sink deeper into the water that the peace comes.  

the chaos on the surface becomes distant and muted as i relax into the gentle weightlessness of the water.  my grasp of time gets hazy and life seems to slow down.  it is quiet here and i allow myself to listen. the intensity of the beating of my heart lessens and a new rhythm settles in.  beauty surrounds me and i am overwhelmed by new perspective.  i’m not oblivious to the rain continuing to pelt the stormy water above me, but i watch as things dance in purpose and time to a song the Creator is directing.  i’m not here on my own strength or abilities because by now my lungs would have begun to scream...in this place there is no question to how i’m surviving.  

this is where i want to live. 

it’s time to let go and breathe deep of the life He has designed for me.

a long awaited conversation.

the moment of anticipation peaks as you hug a friend for the first time in a long time.  all of the stories and memories of things that you haven't discussed yet are barely being held back.  even though the opportunity has arrived, you hesitate and wonder where to begin.  this is how i feel today in regards to even beginning to write this post.

God is constantly reminding me of the power of words.  in this season of seeking healing and learning about forgiveness, He is showing me that it will come through this gift that He has given to me...the ability to write.  most of the time my jumbled thoughts and emotions start out with a negative twinge and i can feel the struggle as the words cause clarity...but as i see it plainly on the page, the white area is a much bigger mass than the black markings i have made.  in between each letter there is space for hope to shine through.

i don't like that Christmas is next week.  as harsh as that may sound, i wish that time was flowing like a jubilant sleigh ride through soft fluffy snow instead of the intense treadmill that i feel like i'm clinging to.  Christmas has so much depth that i hate to miss and there is just so much going on.

last week was a horrific news week and the depravity of this earth grieved my heart in a new way.  both shooting incidents, one here in clackamas and the other in connecticut, reminded me of the heartbreak that i am still walking through with my loss.  but i learned something new...my heart is starting to break for the severely broken.  i ache for the people who have been marinated in lies and confusion to the point of destruction.  forgiveness is a challenging path to walk, but God has my hand and is showing me the way.

after all...didn't Jesus come to forgive?

don't let the craziness of the world and this season pull you away from this incredible gift.  offer it to others and yourself freely...it will far surpass any present that can fit under the tree.

clarity after the storm.

my journey over the past few months brings me back here.  my desire to write has been rekindled as i realize that this is where my heart thrives.  sometimes the words flow freely like tears down my face and others seem like lost treasures that i have to find.  either way, they are a part of me.

i really don't know where to start.  the jumbled mess of emotions and experiences have a depth that even i don't always see.  the beauty that surrounds all of this is knowing that God has a strategic and stunning plan through all the chaos.  i'm discovering that this season is not just a transitional time between my time with YWAM and my next big adventure...my job is not just a filler until i find a way to live out my passions...every moment and opportunity is orchestrated for me to dwell exactly where i need to be.

it has been almost a month already since the last major earthquake in the foundations of my heart.  another typical tuesday morning at work was unfolding when one of my co-workers didn't show up on time for her shift.  casual assumptions about over-sleeping or writing her schedule down wrong eventually were dismissed and phone calls were made.  it wasn't until later that day that it really sunk in that she was missing.  the next few days dragged on with a lot of unanswered questions, fear and anguish.  by friday night the police had made an arrest in her murder.

the heartache that this world sometimes brings can seem unbearable.  the loss of someone you love is always hard, but i've realized the loss of my friend Whitney brings the biggest opportunity to walk out forgiveness in my life so far.  it is proving to be a daily process that i'm stumbling along and occasionally fighting against.  oh how i hate the evil choices that people make.

after a couple weeks of feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me, the last week or so has allowed me to take a couple of deep breaths.  the sharp pains have subsided and made way for the dull ache of a wound that hasn't quite healed yet.  my life altering moments tend to usher in seasons of new clarity and focus as the little things that usually occupy my worries and energies fade to reveal what is really important to me.

people.

investing love into the lives of the people around me is what matters.  at the end of the day i want to know that i purposefully spoke encouragement and life to the ones whom i saw or whoever God brought to mind.

and so i keep walking because today is teeming with opportunity.

glimpses of heaven.

just thinking about what to type next makes my heart constrict and eyes start to water. last wednesday i set out on a grand adventure up to Canada to reunite with half of my YWAM team. the bus arrived in Vancouver after 11 pm and i did a little happy dance after a round of hugs for everyone. it meant the world to me for everyone to make the trek to come pick me up so late at night. 

over the course of the following four days i was reminded of who i am. the camaraderie our YWAM family has nourishes the deep places in my heart that usually have walls around them. i laugh and cry without reservations, soaking up the freedom to be real, broken and goofy. 

i’ve tried to wrap my brain around why this group is so different than i’ve ever encountered before. i find myself mad that i can’t be with them constantly and i despise when i realize that i hold back so much of myself apart from them. in the past, saying goodbye to my team has included saying adios to a part of myself.

but what if...

...my YWAM family was given to me to show me a glimpse of what relationships are meant to be and who i was created to be...

...my YWAM family was scattered to challenge me to be me regardless of the details...

...this is my opportunity to fly...

it’s time for me to launch forward off of the barriers i have built in my life and be a part of what God is depositing in the fertile soil within my reach. my heart still aches to be together with my team but a smile breaks through the tears when i realize that i may have been given a minuscule glimpse of the community of heaven. our heart’s united in the pursuit of God...

anticipation and hope.

this month has the ingredients to be simply epic.  my heart feels fuzzy and beats faster when i take the time to think about the upcoming weeks.  this is proving to be even bigger than Christmas morning.

within the next week and a half..

...i will explore a new country...Canada here i come!...

...my heart will be reunited with half of my very loved and cherished YWAM team...

...i will move into my new apartment with my beautiful sister.  God's hand in this process has blown my socks off.  such an awesome example of doors been opened and closed to my benefit and HIS glory...

...there is a special appointment to find out if little love bug is my niece or nephew, coming this fall...

words fall short of describing this hope that is bubbling up.  in these moments i wonder though, if i truly believe that God is trustworthy...if i know without a doubt that God has promised this hope that never fails...and if i acknowledge that He is constantly working things towards my good and His plan...shouldn't i anticipate tomorrow like this everyday?

so the thunder rolls...

writing has slowly become one of my passions, bubbling over especially in times of extreme emotion. ideas dance in my head so frequently but are rarely captured and tied down to precise words. the desire to write more often and possibly even beyond this blog has been on my heart lately. even this very post has been marinating for quite some time.

here’s the thing. getting the jumbled craziness of stuff in my head to make sense to you takes time. my love is to write in a way that truly expresses the depth and emotion and sometimes even the chaos that is going on. i want it to be perfect.

and there is that word again that has plagued me in the past. [perfection] to be honest, i have clearly seen my procrastination when it comes to sitting down and writing. i acknowledge that it isn’t as much of a priority as i would like it to be. it took me quite some time however to connect the dots between my procrastination and perfectionism in this area. i hate that my fear of not being good enough tends to keep me from even trying most days.

many areas of my life have been tainted and crippled in this battle with my own expectations and i’m still discovering new ways that it holds me captive. however, i am extremely blessed by a God who knows me so intricately and wants to see complete freedom in my life. He spoke to me so clearly one day in Belize regarding my perfectionism and reminded me of this the other day. 

seeking Him in the solitude, i found myself in my favorite place. my legs dangling off the end of the dock and my feet being kissed by the warm, turquoise caribbean water. a storm rolling in the distance caught my attention and brought joy to my heart. the deep rumble of thunder that you can almost feel reminded me of scriptures that declare that the Lord’s voice is like thunder. moments later my stomach rumbled back and released a little excess gas that had been waiting for just this time. yep...i farted. God’s humor never ceases to amaze me and in that moment clarity hit me like a lightning bolt.

you see if [God’s voice = thunder] and [my best bodily attempts to create thunder-like perfection = a fart], you just can not miss the obvious...

1.  i stink. at times i will look ridiculous and unfortunately will sometimes even blame it on other people. weaknesses can give glory to Him if i allow others to see/smell/hear my imperfections.
2.  my best attempts at perfecting my fart are laughable. i’m human and a fart is still just a fart. try and remember that farting (just like failure) is a part of our lives.
3.  it may be uncomfortable at times, but try not to hold things back that God has given you. it usually doesn’t work...not to mention it always tends to come out at the most inconvenient times. :) go with the flow and see how God uses the situation.

fear of failure and perfectionism rob us of abundant life and keep us side-lined. i want to jump back into the game and enjoy it moment by moment.

honestly, i don’t want to be perfect anymore. i want to be real and transparent when i struggle so it is obvious when God is my strength. i want to dance and look silly sometimes. i want to love fiercely the people in my life without expecting anything in return. i kinda want to be known as someone who is quite ridiculous and passionate about the life God has given to me. unashamed, unapologetic and eager to show it.

i want to write what God has put on my heart.

this moment.

i'm in the process of learning what it's like to fully live in this moment.  abundant thankfulness and adventure thrive when they are not hindered by regrets and worry.  at any given second, God promises that He will provide everything i need...with such an immense blessing, why do i allow this moment to be clouded by unnecessary distractions?

one of the quickest ways to squelch the joy you have right now is to dwell on the fact that this moment won't last forever.  take time to absorb what God has for you wherever you find yourself...even if the surface seems ordinary.

the adventure and excitement of the unknown seems daunting when the promise of His provision isn't firmly established in our hearts.  whenever worry starts choking you, take time to remember all He has done and the ways He continues to prove Himself loving and faithful.  He has a plan.

this moment was orchestrated with a distinct purpose...go on a treasure hunt with God and try to discover what it is!