breaking independence...

in the past i prided myself on my independence.  the ability to do things on my own without any help was the best way to get things done and it showcased my strength and talent.  my perspective has now changed.

driving to my cousin's birthday party last week, i was alone.  the ten minute car ride was eerily quiet and shocking.  the realization of my solitude hit me hard as i realized that for the past six months i have been surrounded by close friends and i can only think of two times when i was truly on my own.  

as i was settling in and unpacking my stuff this week i began noticing the loneliness of the quiet again.  errands like grocery shopping seem more daunting than ever before and the evenings seem empty.  my independent heart has been transformed.  i never wanted to be the "needy" one…needing people for all the little things but here i am.  i don't want to be independent anymore.

solitude used to be my friend.  the healing, hope and encouragement of close friendships involves taking a risk and exposing the sensitive parts of heart and that is scary, but {the freedom and beauty that bubbles up from healthy, God-centered relationships is priceless!}

dreaming...

one of the hardest things about my trip to south africa (ZA) is having my heart stolen over and over by the people there...especially the kids.  last night my heart was heavy after hearing about violent protests in mpumalanga in the area where many of my new friends live.  news like that is now not just another statistic in an unknown part of the world.

during the night i dreamed vividly of one of amazing boys at michael's children's village.  though the reason he was upset was unclear, i remember holding him tightly in my arms and encouraging him about who God created him to be.  the details of the dream have faded throughout the day but my heart still melts with the memory.

this is how i want to change the world.

i want to constantly be whispering words of truth, worth and beauty to the people i'm blessed to be surrounded by...no matter where God calls me to be.

the value of a balloon and a little time.

back in december while in pinetown, south africa i had the great honor of giving a little toddler a balloon while visiting the children's ward in a small hospital.  that experience has changed my perspective on ministry in a big way.

we had brought the balloons and some stickers to bless the kids and even ended up handing out stickers to the adults who were there.  i stepped into a small room just off of the main area to visit some of the smaller kids.  a nutritionist came in and i quickly realized that these little ones were malnourished.  after playing with a few others, i made my way over to a crib holding a little boy.  he looked as though he was about eight months old as he laid quietly on his back but a quick glance at the paper attached to his bed revealed that he was almost two years old.  i began to play with him and the balloon and it wasn't long before he began to smile and giggle.  a doctor entered the room as we continued to play and she commented on his demeanor.  we talked for a few minutes about his history and my heart just about broke.

he had been in the hospital for two months and was very sick at the beginning because of how malnourished he was.  during that time, the doctor had never seen him smile or heard his giggle before.  tears were instantly clouding my eyes and i spent the rest of my time at the hospital by his side.

balloons are so inexpensive and much of my free time slips away without much thought.  knowing that i had blessed that little boy and brought him a little bit of joy is priceless.

makes me wonder why i sometimes think that i need to have more to be a blessing.

family.

family.  (fm-l, fml)  :  

{two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place}

my YWAM fam have seen me at my best...

been there to celebrate with me...

and have encouraged me to be fully me.

i have been blessed beyond words by the family God has given me.  no one and nothing can replace the crazy amazing people i have had my whole life but during this season away from my family at home, He has definitely provided.  looking forward to the day that i can quit saying goodbye to people and celebrate at the biggest family reunion EVER with Jesus.

 i think my heart has had to grow a couple sizes to fit everyone in there...

miss you all SO much.

no place i would rather be.

this song has been playing over and over in my head for days now and throughout the whole transition of saying goodbye to South Africa and my team.  as much as my heart aches to be with my family at home and my new YWAM family who is now scattered around the world, i want this to be my heart's anthem.

no place i would rather be

than here in your love

set a fire down in my soul

that i can't contain

that i can't control

i want more of you God

taking a deep breath...

in my heart it feels like this...

...but i'm actually in a completely different climate on the opposite of the world.

hello paris!  God has blessed me with a couple of weeks of rest and relaxation in this beautiful city.  after being in belize and south africa for the past five months at warp speed, it's amazing to be able to take a deep breath and reflect on the beauty that has happened within my heart.  so similar to the awe and wonder that comes with the sunrise...this is just the beginning.

what today and tomorrow will bring is still unknown, just as it always has been.  the difference now is that i used to always have a plan.  no details are established yet on what the next few weeks and months will look like.  no plane tickets have been purchased and the only thing i'm certain of is that God has called me to go on an {adventure} with Him.

south africa!

hey!  long time, no blog... keeping busy here in africa and loving it!  God has been doing amazing things in my heart and through my team. 

check out our team updates @ Spreading Light!