always an adventure.

God didn't design life to be full of a back up plans and safety nets.

it is all about jumping at the right time and knowing that God has your back.

thankful.

times of desperation create clarity.  essentials and priorities are highlighted when you are stripped down to the end of your resources.  times of chaos bring you back to the reality that nothing is in your control anyways.  depending on God is more evident when the money in your bank account disappears but we need to remember in times of abundance that He gave you that job and allows you to get up every morning.

as much as i fight against this place of vulnerability and times of fuzziness of what is happening next, i want to thank God for all that comes with it.  my eyes are more aware of His constant presence and the way He is working in my life.  the treasure of relying on Him for daily provision blesses me as i see Him give me riches that are more amazing than money.  knowing He sees you and is in complete control brings much more freedom than millions of dollars ever will.

i have had more time to think this week and it has been a challenge as i’ve decided not to rely on my typical ways of passing the time.  i tend to push reality away in an attempt to stop worrying instead of bringing my prayers to Him.  recognizing my situation more clearly has increased the stress level in some ways but i have been actively seeking God more specifically whenever i am aware of the mounting pressure.  instead of trying to pretend it isn’t there i have chosen to worship Him for what He has done and is doing in my heart.  as my focus has shifted He continues to surprise me with everything I need and reassurance that He has me exactly where i need to be.

i am so thankful for this season and the adventure of watching Him work in obvious and ridiculously cool ways.  He’s got the whole world in His hands...

the manna eventually stopped...

i have always had more than enough.

while preparing for and during my YWAM trip i was absolutely astounded by the overwhelming blessings God had poured over me. it seemed like everyday i walked through challenges either financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally or physically...sometimes i thought it was more than i could handle, but it never was. God’s provision in every aspect was so evident.

now i’m home and everything looks a little different. i have resisted the change at times and am still a little afraid of the uncertainty of where i am at. sometimes i feel dreadfully overwhelmed at the complexity of having so many things unknown. that is where i am right now...even the amazing possibilities are causing me to feel like this is too much to handle. i need to remember that God’s generosity is just as much a part of today as it was in my last season.

in joshua 5:12 it mentions the day that the manna stopped appearing to sustain the israelites and they began to eat the produce in canaan. it really struck me that the provision never ceased but it looked drastically different...

am i too stuck on what used to be to recognize the provision for today? i sure hope not.

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 

Luke 12:24-26

the beauty of seasons.

to be honest, i haven’t been thrilled about the change of seasons in my life. i wasn’t tired of summer yet even though it had lasted for about eight months between oregon, belize and south africa. but it isn’t just the weather. i wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my team.

the transition was harsh as i flew overnight from summer to the dead of winter and then tearfully hugged my closest friends and watched them walk away. i can’t describe the depth of love i have for them and i’m scared to try because it almost feels like too much. i am struggling with how much to hold on and love them...but it seems silly once i think about it. would i rather be known as someone who loves extravagantly or do i want draw back when i’m faced with the fear of not being loved as much in return? parts of my heart are scattered around the world and i feel desperate to reconnect in any way. the dull ache from the separation lingers daily as almost everything reminds me of one of them.

communication has been minimal lately and i feel like God is allowing this distance to teach me a few things. i am having to stretch out my wings again and keep pushing for the freedom that i fought for with my team by my side. kinda like a toddler who learned how to walk on plush carpet stepping outside and walking on concrete...vulnerability is more scary and risky outside of our little YWAM bubble.

in all of this God has been faithful to provide. currently i have been so blessed to notice the people He has placed in my path who are genuinely interested in my adventures...both friends i have known for years and others who i’ve barely talked to before now. stepping beyond the pain of certain people’s indifference has been hard but i have had the privilege of sharing my story with so many people and for that i am thankful.

this winter atmosphere seems to make me feel sluggish and the dreary days reveal the stark reality of my solitude. but i have found that functioning in this slower pace has highlighted friends who are as desperate for sunshine and hope as i am.

i’m learning that maybe the beauty of this bleak season is the way it strips you down to your core and prepares you for the upcoming growth and flowering of spring.

a sneak peek...

if i could pry open my head and heart and dump out what was inside so you could watch the never-ending chatter and emotions gushing everywhere...it might result in this random quirky blog post. :o) brace yourself.

i like wearing other people’s clothes. i love how awkward and creepy that sounds...and it is true. if you combine nine girls for five months of living out of a backpack, you know that we got tired of our own clothes and expanded our wardrobes considerably by sharing. the ones that i was blessed to keep now remind me of my amazing YWAM sisters every time i wear it and it feels like a hug that never goes away.

speaking of hugs...i miss good hugs. not the lame type that are over in two seconds and feel like an obligation, but the ones that are so tight that it squeezes your heart and love oozes out. i miss them so much that i even had a dream about getting a few amazing hugs and woke up feeling blessed. i need more huggers in my life right now.

life...no definite plans yet regarding future travel, but i have an interview on monday! so excited to see what happens next on this crazy adventure called my life.

songs performed by will reagan and the united pursuit band have been my favorite worship music lately. currently listening to break every chain. we sang it at church tonight and God rocked my heart through it...and the rest of worship too.

worship here is so different than in africa. i think my church needs to learn how to move to the music. i really miss dancing my heart out before God every worship service. tonight there was one song that talked about moving left and right and jumping and dancing with God...a very small percentage of us actually were moving during that time. i felt weird to be one of the few moving but that didn’t stop me from busting out my non-existent dance skills.

my computer background makes me so happy. i set it to randomly rotate through pictures on my computer and switch every five minutes. it’s always a surprise to see who will be smiling at me next...

i tackled a long to do list today and conquered it. such a great accomplishment when i have really been struggling with a lack of motivation the past week or so. really frustrating when all i want to do is check out of life and waste my time with meaningless fluff (like catching up on a bazillion hours of tv shows that i missed while i was gone...lame). in my frustration God showed me that struggling with the same thing that has been a struggle in the past doesn’t mean i haven’t changed, it’s how i react to things that shows that i have changed. even Jesus was tempted...

i am eating SO much more fruit lately due to a new discovery. nutella + plain greek yogurt = chocolate deliciousness. seriously amazing. my favorite is dipping strawberries and apples in it. the recipe is 1 cup yogurt mixed with 1/2 cup nutella but to be honest i don’t measure anymore because i’m lazy and it still tastes awesome.

it has been sunny a few days this week and i have loved sitting inside pretending that it is warm outside. i really think my body was created for a warm climate. on the flip side i actually did miss being able to cocoon myself inside a down comforter and be warm and toasty...now getting up and climbing out of that perfection in the morning is a daily struggle that i have to fight.

still adjusting to little things like having a dryer, loving to drink milk (no more weird milk products like the stuff in belize named la la), living alone (don’t like this...), free wifi pretty much EVERYWHERE (seriously a challenge to find in some countries), understanding what everyone is saying around me...there is more, i just can’t think of them right now. things will be strange to me and then i’ll realize that it used to be my normal...it is weird.

randomly the other night while getting ready for bed the smoke alarm fell off of the ceiling and hit my shoulder on the way down. what are the odds of standing underneath it at that moment? crazy. scared the bejeebers outta me though. so it sits on my bathroom counter now...

geez...now i don’t know what to say. guess that sums up everything at this point. :o) hope you enjoyed this peek into the craziness of me tonight. now it’s time to crawl into my beloved cocoon of warmness and drift off to possibly dream about hugs and yummy chocolate dipped strawberries.