a long awaited conversation.

the moment of anticipation peaks as you hug a friend for the first time in a long time.  all of the stories and memories of things that you haven't discussed yet are barely being held back.  even though the opportunity has arrived, you hesitate and wonder where to begin.  this is how i feel today in regards to even beginning to write this post.

God is constantly reminding me of the power of words.  in this season of seeking healing and learning about forgiveness, He is showing me that it will come through this gift that He has given to me...the ability to write.  most of the time my jumbled thoughts and emotions start out with a negative twinge and i can feel the struggle as the words cause clarity...but as i see it plainly on the page, the white area is a much bigger mass than the black markings i have made.  in between each letter there is space for hope to shine through.

i don't like that Christmas is next week.  as harsh as that may sound, i wish that time was flowing like a jubilant sleigh ride through soft fluffy snow instead of the intense treadmill that i feel like i'm clinging to.  Christmas has so much depth that i hate to miss and there is just so much going on.

last week was a horrific news week and the depravity of this earth grieved my heart in a new way.  both shooting incidents, one here in clackamas and the other in connecticut, reminded me of the heartbreak that i am still walking through with my loss.  but i learned something new...my heart is starting to break for the severely broken.  i ache for the people who have been marinated in lies and confusion to the point of destruction.  forgiveness is a challenging path to walk, but God has my hand and is showing me the way.

after all...didn't Jesus come to forgive?

don't let the craziness of the world and this season pull you away from this incredible gift.  offer it to others and yourself freely...it will far surpass any present that can fit under the tree.

clarity after the storm.

my journey over the past few months brings me back here.  my desire to write has been rekindled as i realize that this is where my heart thrives.  sometimes the words flow freely like tears down my face and others seem like lost treasures that i have to find.  either way, they are a part of me.

i really don't know where to start.  the jumbled mess of emotions and experiences have a depth that even i don't always see.  the beauty that surrounds all of this is knowing that God has a strategic and stunning plan through all the chaos.  i'm discovering that this season is not just a transitional time between my time with YWAM and my next big adventure...my job is not just a filler until i find a way to live out my passions...every moment and opportunity is orchestrated for me to dwell exactly where i need to be.

it has been almost a month already since the last major earthquake in the foundations of my heart.  another typical tuesday morning at work was unfolding when one of my co-workers didn't show up on time for her shift.  casual assumptions about over-sleeping or writing her schedule down wrong eventually were dismissed and phone calls were made.  it wasn't until later that day that it really sunk in that she was missing.  the next few days dragged on with a lot of unanswered questions, fear and anguish.  by friday night the police had made an arrest in her murder.

the heartache that this world sometimes brings can seem unbearable.  the loss of someone you love is always hard, but i've realized the loss of my friend Whitney brings the biggest opportunity to walk out forgiveness in my life so far.  it is proving to be a daily process that i'm stumbling along and occasionally fighting against.  oh how i hate the evil choices that people make.

after a couple weeks of feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me, the last week or so has allowed me to take a couple of deep breaths.  the sharp pains have subsided and made way for the dull ache of a wound that hasn't quite healed yet.  my life altering moments tend to usher in seasons of new clarity and focus as the little things that usually occupy my worries and energies fade to reveal what is really important to me.

people.

investing love into the lives of the people around me is what matters.  at the end of the day i want to know that i purposefully spoke encouragement and life to the ones whom i saw or whoever God brought to mind.

and so i keep walking because today is teeming with opportunity.

glimpses of heaven.

just thinking about what to type next makes my heart constrict and eyes start to water. last wednesday i set out on a grand adventure up to Canada to reunite with half of my YWAM team. the bus arrived in Vancouver after 11 pm and i did a little happy dance after a round of hugs for everyone. it meant the world to me for everyone to make the trek to come pick me up so late at night. 

over the course of the following four days i was reminded of who i am. the camaraderie our YWAM family has nourishes the deep places in my heart that usually have walls around them. i laugh and cry without reservations, soaking up the freedom to be real, broken and goofy. 

i’ve tried to wrap my brain around why this group is so different than i’ve ever encountered before. i find myself mad that i can’t be with them constantly and i despise when i realize that i hold back so much of myself apart from them. in the past, saying goodbye to my team has included saying adios to a part of myself.

but what if...

...my YWAM family was given to me to show me a glimpse of what relationships are meant to be and who i was created to be...

...my YWAM family was scattered to challenge me to be me regardless of the details...

...this is my opportunity to fly...

it’s time for me to launch forward off of the barriers i have built in my life and be a part of what God is depositing in the fertile soil within my reach. my heart still aches to be together with my team but a smile breaks through the tears when i realize that i may have been given a minuscule glimpse of the community of heaven. our heart’s united in the pursuit of God...

anticipation and hope.

this month has the ingredients to be simply epic.  my heart feels fuzzy and beats faster when i take the time to think about the upcoming weeks.  this is proving to be even bigger than Christmas morning.

within the next week and a half..

...i will explore a new country...Canada here i come!...

...my heart will be reunited with half of my very loved and cherished YWAM team...

...i will move into my new apartment with my beautiful sister.  God's hand in this process has blown my socks off.  such an awesome example of doors been opened and closed to my benefit and HIS glory...

...there is a special appointment to find out if little love bug is my niece or nephew, coming this fall...

words fall short of describing this hope that is bubbling up.  in these moments i wonder though, if i truly believe that God is trustworthy...if i know without a doubt that God has promised this hope that never fails...and if i acknowledge that He is constantly working things towards my good and His plan...shouldn't i anticipate tomorrow like this everyday?

so the thunder rolls...

writing has slowly become one of my passions, bubbling over especially in times of extreme emotion. ideas dance in my head so frequently but are rarely captured and tied down to precise words. the desire to write more often and possibly even beyond this blog has been on my heart lately. even this very post has been marinating for quite some time.

here’s the thing. getting the jumbled craziness of stuff in my head to make sense to you takes time. my love is to write in a way that truly expresses the depth and emotion and sometimes even the chaos that is going on. i want it to be perfect.

and there is that word again that has plagued me in the past. [perfection] to be honest, i have clearly seen my procrastination when it comes to sitting down and writing. i acknowledge that it isn’t as much of a priority as i would like it to be. it took me quite some time however to connect the dots between my procrastination and perfectionism in this area. i hate that my fear of not being good enough tends to keep me from even trying most days.

many areas of my life have been tainted and crippled in this battle with my own expectations and i’m still discovering new ways that it holds me captive. however, i am extremely blessed by a God who knows me so intricately and wants to see complete freedom in my life. He spoke to me so clearly one day in Belize regarding my perfectionism and reminded me of this the other day. 

seeking Him in the solitude, i found myself in my favorite place. my legs dangling off the end of the dock and my feet being kissed by the warm, turquoise caribbean water. a storm rolling in the distance caught my attention and brought joy to my heart. the deep rumble of thunder that you can almost feel reminded me of scriptures that declare that the Lord’s voice is like thunder. moments later my stomach rumbled back and released a little excess gas that had been waiting for just this time. yep...i farted. God’s humor never ceases to amaze me and in that moment clarity hit me like a lightning bolt.

you see if [God’s voice = thunder] and [my best bodily attempts to create thunder-like perfection = a fart], you just can not miss the obvious...

1.  i stink. at times i will look ridiculous and unfortunately will sometimes even blame it on other people. weaknesses can give glory to Him if i allow others to see/smell/hear my imperfections.
2.  my best attempts at perfecting my fart are laughable. i’m human and a fart is still just a fart. try and remember that farting (just like failure) is a part of our lives.
3.  it may be uncomfortable at times, but try not to hold things back that God has given you. it usually doesn’t work...not to mention it always tends to come out at the most inconvenient times. :) go with the flow and see how God uses the situation.

fear of failure and perfectionism rob us of abundant life and keep us side-lined. i want to jump back into the game and enjoy it moment by moment.

honestly, i don’t want to be perfect anymore. i want to be real and transparent when i struggle so it is obvious when God is my strength. i want to dance and look silly sometimes. i want to love fiercely the people in my life without expecting anything in return. i kinda want to be known as someone who is quite ridiculous and passionate about the life God has given to me. unashamed, unapologetic and eager to show it.

i want to write what God has put on my heart.

this moment.

i'm in the process of learning what it's like to fully live in this moment.  abundant thankfulness and adventure thrive when they are not hindered by regrets and worry.  at any given second, God promises that He will provide everything i need...with such an immense blessing, why do i allow this moment to be clouded by unnecessary distractions?

one of the quickest ways to squelch the joy you have right now is to dwell on the fact that this moment won't last forever.  take time to absorb what God has for you wherever you find yourself...even if the surface seems ordinary.

the adventure and excitement of the unknown seems daunting when the promise of His provision isn't firmly established in our hearts.  whenever worry starts choking you, take time to remember all He has done and the ways He continues to prove Himself loving and faithful.  He has a plan.

this moment was orchestrated with a distinct purpose...go on a treasure hunt with God and try to discover what it is!

necessary rest.

discouragement and apathy have been wearing down my defenses. slipping into survival mode and taking things into my own hands worsens the cycle as i step away from the source of hope and strength. frustrations rise as i allow myself to get sucked into old patterns and behaviors...i thought i had already learned that these ways don’t work. comfort food, mind-numbing tv shows and seclusion draw me away from facing the truth in my current situation, but they only add to the problem.

i still struggle with the lie that i should be able to do this on my own...without God or the support of others. i hate the fact that this continues to be a part of my life story. the other night in church i sat completely broken during worship and began to write out my heart’s cry. seeing my thoughts written on paper was a wake up call which led to a sweet time of realization.

i hate who i am without God.

today was a new day. i can’t remember the last time i just relaxed to worship music and allowed God to pour into my heart. as the songs played and the walls that i have been building slowly fell, i rested...actually dozing in and out of sleep as truth was being sung over me. time wasn’t an issue and all the weight seemed to have lifted off of my shoulders as i admitted that i can’t do this alone. after this sweet time of refreshment, today’s bible reading plan lead me to Matthew 11:28-30.

“come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

thankfully the truth is that i do not need to try harder. i simply need a Savior.

always an adventure.

God didn't design life to be full of a back up plans and safety nets.

it is all about jumping at the right time and knowing that God has your back.

thankful.

times of desperation create clarity.  essentials and priorities are highlighted when you are stripped down to the end of your resources.  times of chaos bring you back to the reality that nothing is in your control anyways.  depending on God is more evident when the money in your bank account disappears but we need to remember in times of abundance that He gave you that job and allows you to get up every morning.

as much as i fight against this place of vulnerability and times of fuzziness of what is happening next, i want to thank God for all that comes with it.  my eyes are more aware of His constant presence and the way He is working in my life.  the treasure of relying on Him for daily provision blesses me as i see Him give me riches that are more amazing than money.  knowing He sees you and is in complete control brings much more freedom than millions of dollars ever will.

i have had more time to think this week and it has been a challenge as i’ve decided not to rely on my typical ways of passing the time.  i tend to push reality away in an attempt to stop worrying instead of bringing my prayers to Him.  recognizing my situation more clearly has increased the stress level in some ways but i have been actively seeking God more specifically whenever i am aware of the mounting pressure.  instead of trying to pretend it isn’t there i have chosen to worship Him for what He has done and is doing in my heart.  as my focus has shifted He continues to surprise me with everything I need and reassurance that He has me exactly where i need to be.

i am so thankful for this season and the adventure of watching Him work in obvious and ridiculously cool ways.  He’s got the whole world in His hands...

the manna eventually stopped...

i have always had more than enough.

while preparing for and during my YWAM trip i was absolutely astounded by the overwhelming blessings God had poured over me. it seemed like everyday i walked through challenges either financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally or physically...sometimes i thought it was more than i could handle, but it never was. God’s provision in every aspect was so evident.

now i’m home and everything looks a little different. i have resisted the change at times and am still a little afraid of the uncertainty of where i am at. sometimes i feel dreadfully overwhelmed at the complexity of having so many things unknown. that is where i am right now...even the amazing possibilities are causing me to feel like this is too much to handle. i need to remember that God’s generosity is just as much a part of today as it was in my last season.

in joshua 5:12 it mentions the day that the manna stopped appearing to sustain the israelites and they began to eat the produce in canaan. it really struck me that the provision never ceased but it looked drastically different...

am i too stuck on what used to be to recognize the provision for today? i sure hope not.

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 

Luke 12:24-26

the beauty of seasons.

to be honest, i haven’t been thrilled about the change of seasons in my life. i wasn’t tired of summer yet even though it had lasted for about eight months between oregon, belize and south africa. but it isn’t just the weather. i wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my team.

the transition was harsh as i flew overnight from summer to the dead of winter and then tearfully hugged my closest friends and watched them walk away. i can’t describe the depth of love i have for them and i’m scared to try because it almost feels like too much. i am struggling with how much to hold on and love them...but it seems silly once i think about it. would i rather be known as someone who loves extravagantly or do i want draw back when i’m faced with the fear of not being loved as much in return? parts of my heart are scattered around the world and i feel desperate to reconnect in any way. the dull ache from the separation lingers daily as almost everything reminds me of one of them.

communication has been minimal lately and i feel like God is allowing this distance to teach me a few things. i am having to stretch out my wings again and keep pushing for the freedom that i fought for with my team by my side. kinda like a toddler who learned how to walk on plush carpet stepping outside and walking on concrete...vulnerability is more scary and risky outside of our little YWAM bubble.

in all of this God has been faithful to provide. currently i have been so blessed to notice the people He has placed in my path who are genuinely interested in my adventures...both friends i have known for years and others who i’ve barely talked to before now. stepping beyond the pain of certain people’s indifference has been hard but i have had the privilege of sharing my story with so many people and for that i am thankful.

this winter atmosphere seems to make me feel sluggish and the dreary days reveal the stark reality of my solitude. but i have found that functioning in this slower pace has highlighted friends who are as desperate for sunshine and hope as i am.

i’m learning that maybe the beauty of this bleak season is the way it strips you down to your core and prepares you for the upcoming growth and flowering of spring.

a sneak peek...

if i could pry open my head and heart and dump out what was inside so you could watch the never-ending chatter and emotions gushing everywhere...it might result in this random quirky blog post. :o) brace yourself.

i like wearing other people’s clothes. i love how awkward and creepy that sounds...and it is true. if you combine nine girls for five months of living out of a backpack, you know that we got tired of our own clothes and expanded our wardrobes considerably by sharing. the ones that i was blessed to keep now remind me of my amazing YWAM sisters every time i wear it and it feels like a hug that never goes away.

speaking of hugs...i miss good hugs. not the lame type that are over in two seconds and feel like an obligation, but the ones that are so tight that it squeezes your heart and love oozes out. i miss them so much that i even had a dream about getting a few amazing hugs and woke up feeling blessed. i need more huggers in my life right now.

life...no definite plans yet regarding future travel, but i have an interview on monday! so excited to see what happens next on this crazy adventure called my life.

songs performed by will reagan and the united pursuit band have been my favorite worship music lately. currently listening to break every chain. we sang it at church tonight and God rocked my heart through it...and the rest of worship too.

worship here is so different than in africa. i think my church needs to learn how to move to the music. i really miss dancing my heart out before God every worship service. tonight there was one song that talked about moving left and right and jumping and dancing with God...a very small percentage of us actually were moving during that time. i felt weird to be one of the few moving but that didn’t stop me from busting out my non-existent dance skills.

my computer background makes me so happy. i set it to randomly rotate through pictures on my computer and switch every five minutes. it’s always a surprise to see who will be smiling at me next...

i tackled a long to do list today and conquered it. such a great accomplishment when i have really been struggling with a lack of motivation the past week or so. really frustrating when all i want to do is check out of life and waste my time with meaningless fluff (like catching up on a bazillion hours of tv shows that i missed while i was gone...lame). in my frustration God showed me that struggling with the same thing that has been a struggle in the past doesn’t mean i haven’t changed, it’s how i react to things that shows that i have changed. even Jesus was tempted...

i am eating SO much more fruit lately due to a new discovery. nutella + plain greek yogurt = chocolate deliciousness. seriously amazing. my favorite is dipping strawberries and apples in it. the recipe is 1 cup yogurt mixed with 1/2 cup nutella but to be honest i don’t measure anymore because i’m lazy and it still tastes awesome.

it has been sunny a few days this week and i have loved sitting inside pretending that it is warm outside. i really think my body was created for a warm climate. on the flip side i actually did miss being able to cocoon myself inside a down comforter and be warm and toasty...now getting up and climbing out of that perfection in the morning is a daily struggle that i have to fight.

still adjusting to little things like having a dryer, loving to drink milk (no more weird milk products like the stuff in belize named la la), living alone (don’t like this...), free wifi pretty much EVERYWHERE (seriously a challenge to find in some countries), understanding what everyone is saying around me...there is more, i just can’t think of them right now. things will be strange to me and then i’ll realize that it used to be my normal...it is weird.

randomly the other night while getting ready for bed the smoke alarm fell off of the ceiling and hit my shoulder on the way down. what are the odds of standing underneath it at that moment? crazy. scared the bejeebers outta me though. so it sits on my bathroom counter now...

geez...now i don’t know what to say. guess that sums up everything at this point. :o) hope you enjoyed this peek into the craziness of me tonight. now it’s time to crawl into my beloved cocoon of warmness and drift off to possibly dream about hugs and yummy chocolate dipped strawberries.

breaking independence...

in the past i prided myself on my independence.  the ability to do things on my own without any help was the best way to get things done and it showcased my strength and talent.  my perspective has now changed.

driving to my cousin's birthday party last week, i was alone.  the ten minute car ride was eerily quiet and shocking.  the realization of my solitude hit me hard as i realized that for the past six months i have been surrounded by close friends and i can only think of two times when i was truly on my own.  

as i was settling in and unpacking my stuff this week i began noticing the loneliness of the quiet again.  errands like grocery shopping seem more daunting than ever before and the evenings seem empty.  my independent heart has been transformed.  i never wanted to be the "needy" one…needing people for all the little things but here i am.  i don't want to be independent anymore.

solitude used to be my friend.  the healing, hope and encouragement of close friendships involves taking a risk and exposing the sensitive parts of heart and that is scary, but {the freedom and beauty that bubbles up from healthy, God-centered relationships is priceless!}

dreaming...

one of the hardest things about my trip to south africa (ZA) is having my heart stolen over and over by the people there...especially the kids.  last night my heart was heavy after hearing about violent protests in mpumalanga in the area where many of my new friends live.  news like that is now not just another statistic in an unknown part of the world.

during the night i dreamed vividly of one of amazing boys at michael's children's village.  though the reason he was upset was unclear, i remember holding him tightly in my arms and encouraging him about who God created him to be.  the details of the dream have faded throughout the day but my heart still melts with the memory.

this is how i want to change the world.

i want to constantly be whispering words of truth, worth and beauty to the people i'm blessed to be surrounded by...no matter where God calls me to be.

the value of a balloon and a little time.

back in december while in pinetown, south africa i had the great honor of giving a little toddler a balloon while visiting the children's ward in a small hospital.  that experience has changed my perspective on ministry in a big way.

we had brought the balloons and some stickers to bless the kids and even ended up handing out stickers to the adults who were there.  i stepped into a small room just off of the main area to visit some of the smaller kids.  a nutritionist came in and i quickly realized that these little ones were malnourished.  after playing with a few others, i made my way over to a crib holding a little boy.  he looked as though he was about eight months old as he laid quietly on his back but a quick glance at the paper attached to his bed revealed that he was almost two years old.  i began to play with him and the balloon and it wasn't long before he began to smile and giggle.  a doctor entered the room as we continued to play and she commented on his demeanor.  we talked for a few minutes about his history and my heart just about broke.

he had been in the hospital for two months and was very sick at the beginning because of how malnourished he was.  during that time, the doctor had never seen him smile or heard his giggle before.  tears were instantly clouding my eyes and i spent the rest of my time at the hospital by his side.

balloons are so inexpensive and much of my free time slips away without much thought.  knowing that i had blessed that little boy and brought him a little bit of joy is priceless.

makes me wonder why i sometimes think that i need to have more to be a blessing.

family.

family.  (fm-l, fml)  :  

{two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place}

my YWAM fam have seen me at my best...

been there to celebrate with me...

and have encouraged me to be fully me.

i have been blessed beyond words by the family God has given me.  no one and nothing can replace the crazy amazing people i have had my whole life but during this season away from my family at home, He has definitely provided.  looking forward to the day that i can quit saying goodbye to people and celebrate at the biggest family reunion EVER with Jesus.

 i think my heart has had to grow a couple sizes to fit everyone in there...

miss you all SO much.

no place i would rather be.

this song has been playing over and over in my head for days now and throughout the whole transition of saying goodbye to South Africa and my team.  as much as my heart aches to be with my family at home and my new YWAM family who is now scattered around the world, i want this to be my heart's anthem.

no place i would rather be

than here in your love

set a fire down in my soul

that i can't contain

that i can't control

i want more of you God

taking a deep breath...

in my heart it feels like this...

...but i'm actually in a completely different climate on the opposite of the world.

hello paris!  God has blessed me with a couple of weeks of rest and relaxation in this beautiful city.  after being in belize and south africa for the past five months at warp speed, it's amazing to be able to take a deep breath and reflect on the beauty that has happened within my heart.  so similar to the awe and wonder that comes with the sunrise...this is just the beginning.

what today and tomorrow will bring is still unknown, just as it always has been.  the difference now is that i used to always have a plan.  no details are established yet on what the next few weeks and months will look like.  no plane tickets have been purchased and the only thing i'm certain of is that God has called me to go on an {adventure} with Him.