are you complaining?

i complained today about the most trivial things and then came home and read this...

I wonder... @ Building the Blocks

seriously humbled.

seclusion.

i find myself alone again.  needing quiet time but wasting the minutes with meaningless fluff.  half-heartedly engaging in the present and feeling too tired or overwhelmed to fully jump into whatever is in front of me.  so i float through the day and as my head hits the pillow i realize i'm merely existing.

i see again that i'm not enough.

if insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results, i guess you could say i'm insane.  my strength will fail me.  i will mess things up.  i can't handle it all.  i'm stuck in a rut.

failing miserably, i try harder to figure it out myself instead of relying on God.  maybe this time i will see the joy and the sweet release of trusting Him.

He is enough.

His strength will never fail.

He orchestrates everything to His glorious plan.

He holds the weight of the world in His hands.

He will guide me to where i need to go.

Sophia.

my heart has been so drawn to adoption lately.  more specifically the children on reece's rainbow.  mari, my niece, is one of the many beautiful kids with down syndrome that have been listed on this site (if you click on her name, you can see a picture of the tiny bald baby that has grown SO much!).  it is an awesome ministry allowing people to donate money to defer some of the adoption costs.  another way to help is to become a prayer warrior.

meet Sophia.  she is turning three this month and is currently still in a russian orphanage.  knowing so many three year olds (including Mari and Azariah), it's hard for me to imagine the things that this little girl is missing out on.  i signed up to be a prayer warrior and she is the one i'll be praying for and supporting in anyway i can.  Sophia has no money donated towards her adoption at this point and i'm praying for both monetary provision and a loving family to step up to adopt her.  spreading the word, praying and donating are simple.  

go to reece's rainbow today and pray about how you can help!

how do you heal?

this question came up yesterday in a conversation and i was at a loss to know the answer.  to further expound my dilemma, of course it was brought up in my own life today.

after you have identified a wound or a place of hurt or insecurity, how do you receive healing in that area?  how do you take steps towards that if you don't know where to step?

prayer is always good.  talking it through and processing the why behind the reaction helps me.  it just doesn't seem enough especially when that same spot tends to keep getting poked.

what do you think?

bouldering!

i may have found something to actually motivate me to work on strengthening my upper body...i can see myself getting addicted if i had the opportunity.  :o)  my best climb of the day was caught on video too!  they also caught a few pics that make me look terrified of the wall... definitely makes me laugh.

so thankful for ms. karah for sharing her passion with us and rae for compiling this awesome video!

i should be sleeping...

...instead, i feel a word vomit coming on.

i went to the gym tonight much later in the evening than i usually do.  my lack of control around sweets, getting sick and my overall contentment to lazy around the last couple of months have all joined forces to sabotage my body and lower my confidence a few notches.  my workout felt great when it was over...during, not so much.  a light bulb came on during the drive home about being real and gave me new insight.

in a sense, a lot of the things i do aren't real.  hours tick by watching meaningless tv shows, browsing endless facebook updates and reading words that have no value.  while drifting in this haze of "activity", my life is passing me by.  i'm realizing again how connected the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional parts of me are.  after an exhausting (and nauseating) workout i am flooded with the emotions that i've stuffed down and tried to ignore.  apparently getting my rear off of the couch inspires the rest of me to move forward as well.

i have slept restlessly the last two nights which is a definite rarity for me.  i feel like so many unfounded emotions or unwanted stress is weighing me down, but most i can't even identify. BUT i am beyond excited knowing that i am going on a prayer retreat soon.  just God and i.  at the beach.  if you live in the northwest, check this out...

ok...last thing before these little eyes get a rest.  here is a snippet of "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge that describes me perfectly right now.

"Every woman I've ever met feels it -- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does.  An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.  I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time.  Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough.  But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy....


We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us.  We feel unsought -- that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside.  And we feel uncertain -- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.


Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more..."

where am i running?

it is easy to run away.  although i've been slacking on my physical running, i have sure been exercising my emotional and spiritual "legs".  not much thought has gone into where i am going except for away from my problems.

this morning at church, this song blatantly revealed the direction i wasn't going.

to be honest, i don't know if i have ever run back to God.  don't get me wrong...i have had plenty of opportunities, but i tend to meander back with my tail between my legs.  ashamed and at the end of my rope, i have a hard time thinking that He is happy to see me.

the parable of the lost son in luke paints a different picture and brought tears to my eyes tonight as i re-read the familiar but forgotten words.

So he got up and went to his father.  But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.  The son said to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son."  But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.  Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let’s have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."  So they began to celebrate.

Luke 15:20-24

what if i start anticipating the celebration and not a lecture?

the NEXT button.

ok...if you are addicted to reading blogs like i am, check out this link.  google reader is already my best friend but i had no clue that the NEXT button even existed.  i love this new (to me at least) feature that lets me see each post on the blog itself in all it's glory.  happy blog hopping!

all day recess.

spring is in the air and the sun has peeked out from behind the clouds a few more times yesterday and today.  the fresh air and fun i have outside has cheered me up considerably.   i even busted out my beloved chacos.  the BEST sandals ever.

the three munchkins and i took every advantage of the spring weather and spent more time outside than inside on friday.  pretty sure we were all craving sunshine and fresh air.

we went for a bike ride/walk, played in the yard, went to a park, had a picnic lunch and then went for another walk when my brother got home from work.  pure awesomeness.  i got zero accomplished for the day but didn't feel guilty at all.

during our adventures i could't help but notice the two convertibles with their tops down and countless cars with all the windows down.  i love how excited everyone was about the measly 66 degree day.  i can't wait for summer!