disobedience.

i sat during worship on sunday with a dull, flat feeling in my heart.  passion and joy linger only in memories right now.  lately it seems like my time during worship at church has been the only time i have honestly taken the opportunity to open up a conversation with God and allow Him to speak.

as soon as i inquired about why i am here again, the answer was so clear.  i have been disobedient.  many times i have been reminded to write out my heart in this season and i still resist.  excuses come quickly and squelch the gentle reminders.  i don't doubt that the words will come...i'm afraid of what they will say.  it's sometimes scary to come face to face with what you are wrestling with below the surface.

sadly i realized that the distance i feel from everything i hold dear has been my choice.  i fill my schedule to the brim and try to balance it all out by checking out on life during my down time.  i have mastered this as a way of surviving the days, weeks and months, but i'm tired of merely surviving...i want to thrive.

so i start again today, because right now is all that i have.  i can't change yesterday and tomorrow will bring enough distractions to keep me busy.

today i write because it's all that i know how to do.  i can't leave this place until i realize where i am.

beautiful one.

i would love to introduce you to a girl that i love dearly.  let’s just call her beautiful one.   this week she became my new hero.

beautiful one is currently at an age that most would agree is a tough stage of life.  normal life challenges are amplified by a fickle and harsh social environment...also known as middle school.  this has not been an easy road for beautiful one to walk down.  destructive words are spewed out of people’s mouths frequently here and have caused her chaos and pain.  these wounds cut deeper than anyone can see.  

the lies were hard to ignore and they took a great toll on beautiful one.  desperate for escape, she began to cut.  eventually she tried to end it all but thankfully this is not where the story ends.  God continues to have great plans in motion for her life. 

over the years, her strength has always been obvious to me.  even though she is younger, i was drawn to her and wanted desperately to be her friend.  i am so honored to be a part of her life and my heart melted when she introduced me to someone as her big sister recently.   but beautiful one now has another role in my life...she has become a source of inspiration and someone i look up to.

soon after returning to school from a break, she wanted to tell her story.  i had the great privilege to be there as she shared in front of all of her peers.  amazed by her courage, i still wonder if i could do what she did even at this stage of my life.  tears poured down my cheeks as i heard the story again...beautiful one has endured so much.  

i wish i could prove to her how much she is loved, wanted and cherished.  beautiful one is a piece of God’s heart that is unique and significant.  just as a butterfly can not see the beauty of it’s own wings, i desperately want to show her a picture of the amazing woman that God created her to be and that she is already becoming.  i am so proud of her.

while you may not know my beautiful one, every day you are around people who have been lied to about their gorgeous wings.  don’t forget that your words have great power...use them wisely.